WOW

300 page views in the last 5 days. I am blown away that so many people are still reading this.

Moving On

One year ago today, I was dismissed from the hospital following the removal of my thyroid. That was a pretty big deal. Once again, I am struck by what a difference a year makes. Today my biggest concern is dealing with an unusually long and radically twisted colon. Hmmmm.

Makes me think, though, that I am quite possibly closing in on the final chapter of this blog. I may have bared my soul as far as anyone cares to know. I still have a story to tell…a song to sing…a life to live. But, as life returns to normal…it just may no longer be that interesting. I’ll have to give it some thought, but I’m thinking my first follow-up appointment at the end of February may just be a good stopping point.

But, for right now, I am enjoying the idea of taking an entire month off from medical appointments. It has literally been 15 months since I had that luxury. It’s time to start thinking about how to live with cancer. You see, breast cancer survivors are only considered to be in remission…never cured…because there is always that possibility that it will come back. I was told that from the very beginning. And, realistically, I have still not been told that I am in remission. That is what I am waiting to hear from Dr. D. when I see him again on 2/25.

In the meantime, I have plans to make. I have a vacation to take. I have a body to whip back into shape. I have to figure out how to use my experiences to help others. I’ve been asked to give serious consideration to the possibility of a book. AND, I have a wedding to help plan. These are just a few of the things at the top of my bucket list right now. But first, I need to hear those words from Dr. D. While I welcome the break in the medical action, I also recognize that it is going to be a long month. I so need him to just call off the dogs and tell me everything is fine. So, that will be 2/25. On 2/26 we will step into that long awaited light at the end of the tunnel…on the shores of South Padre Island. Seems fitting that it may also be the day that I pen my final “Later” on this blog. We’ll see.

Later.

Results

Sorry. I just realized that some of you probably think I'm still sitting around waiting for results. The truth of the matter is, Dr. Hartje called about 8:30 last night and gave us the news. The problem is...the last two days were so hard on me, both physically and mentally that I allowed myself to join that group of people known as the silent majority and just said nothing. The procedure yesterday was so painful and uncomfortable, I just didn't have the energy last night to even post. Today wasn't much better. I did force myself, at the last minute, to go to the Y tonight and, I must say, it did help. I feel a little better now. Hoping tomorrow I will feel better yet. Anyway...

The procedures did show a sort of congenital issue with the colon...I guess you'd say. However, no sign of cancer. Do I dare breathe a sigh of relief?

Later.

Another Day, Another Procedure

Nearly three days now without eating, thanks to diagnostic procedures. Seems like I should be feeling hungry, yet...

Well, off to Mercy AGAIN.

Later

Sorry. Just realized that my last several blog posts seem more like Tweets. Maybe I'm just settling in with the rest of the Silent Majority.

Not Yet

Not done yet. More tests at Mercy tomorrow. Nuff said.

Later.

On Comments

Often people will email me rather than posting comments on the blog. That's fine, except that it prevents all of you from sharing in some really inspirational insights at times. I just received an email from my sister Susan with a response to my previous post. It was so awesome, I just wanted to share a portion of it on her behalf...

Because I can't be there with you right now, but because of your blog, you have enabled anyone who chooses to follow it to understand what it's like to go through a most terrifying diagnosis. Last week I saw something that I told myself I needed to share with you at the most right time. Not sure this is it, but there must be a reason why I saw it when I did...

"She not only saw a light at the end of the tunnel, but she became that light for everyone who knew her."

I love it. Thank you.

Later.

Can't Sit Still...

I just checked my stats and there have been more than 1200 page views of this blog in the last thirty days. Wow. I kind of pity you people today, because I just feel driven to write and I don't know if I can even make this make sense. I have such a feeling of apprehension today that I can't seem to relax. I don't know if it is just because I hate having to go through this procedure tomorrow or if it is some sort of disguised premonition that things are not going to go well. I don't think it is that because I am not consciously thinking that it will be bad news. If anything, I am more inclined to think that it will be fine. Yet, I find myself sitting here with this huge load of anxiety...nearly on the brink of tears. Why?


A week ago I had the good news that Dr. D. was ending my treatments. An unexpected euphoria which lasted about 30 seconds...until he said he really felt that we should schedule a colonoscopy. So we did. And it is tomorrow. So, I'm done...but not done. Maybe after tomorrow I'll be done. I have to believe that they have scoped, scanned, x-rayed and tested every single part of me that they can now, with the possible exception of my bones. I feel like they need to either find what they're looking for or stop looking. I need and want to be done. I look around me at all of the people walking around living "normal" lives and can barely recall that I was once one of them. We all, of course, are aware that our earthly lives will one day end, but we don't all find ourselves slapped up side the head with our mortality on a daily basis. All of this testing and treating and consulting can take its toll mentally. Yet, I am actually surprised to find myself feeling this way about it today, because typically I feel that I handle it all pretty well. I'm used to this lifestyle now and it just is what it is. But not today.

Then again, I remember the little 3 year old I mentioned the other day and I remember those I know and/or know of who are going through much worse than I right now and I know that I have no cause to whine. So I'm not. It may sound like it, but I'm not. I am just tired. SOOO tired of this cancer card. But I'm not just tired of it for myself...I'm tired of it for all the rest of these people as well. My friends, your friends...I would like nothing better than for ALL of us to have our innocence back...our lives back. I want to get up tomorrow morning and go to work...not to Mercy. I really don't want to do this. But, it is comforting to just take a deep breath and realize that by this time tomorrow, it will hopefully be behind me. It is comforting to focus on this picture of the beach house we will be relaxing in, in just over a month.

So, think of me tomorrow, please. I don't like it, but I'll do it. There are no other options.

Later.

I Am Saddened By This...

Did you happen to catch this on the Today Show this morning? A little 3 year old girl was diagnosed with a rare form of Breast Cancer and had to undergo a radical mastectomy.

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/41161182/ns/today-today_health/
Once again I am reminded...
I cried because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet.
 
How sad.
 
Later.

Great Day

I promise I won't post about every RX Health class, but thought I would mention it tonight for two reasons. I made it through :) and I had something else I wanted to share anyway.

Tonight we worked on the upper body machines...nine different ones. But, we started out with a cardio warmup and then did another 5 minutes of cardio time between every couple machines. THAT was a workout, but I was able to do it, and that is the good news. There was only one machine that was difficult enough for me that I was unable to complete all of my reps. Not too bad. Next Monday they are going to do water aerobics but I, of course, will miss it since I will be still sleeping off the effects of the dreaded colonoscopy.

BUT...on a brighter note...we're going to the beach. Yes, it's official. We booked our flights and reserved a house on the beach on South Padre Island. I am so excited and so blessed. I've said it many times, but what a difference a year makes. There were so many times that I wondered if I would see the ocean again and now we're going. Definitely something to look forward to. In the meantime, I'll keep working out. I'm going to need my strength for all that beach walking. :)

Later.

I LOVE It...

Wait...
I know you've all been waiting with bated breath to hear how I did on the fitness evaluation. I must admit, I was a bit apprehensive. After the 15 months I've been through, I wasn't sure I could even do 10 minutes on the treadmill. But, I did and I did it with finesse, if I do say so myself. I kept my heart rate in the target range and almost at a straight line for the entire ten minutes. Of course, by the time I was done my legs thought I should be done for the night, but not the case.

We had our meeting and then went out for our cardio workout. Four different machines...7-8 minutes each. The Wave...the treadmill...the elliptical...the recumbent bike. What a workout. Now, I don't want to hear from you fitness freaks out there about how much of a wuss I am. I already know that. But, given my history, I'm sorry. This was a workout. In fact, by the time I hit the second machine I was having problems running the entire program because I would get a high heart rate warning and the program would shut down. But I just kept restarting it and eventually got through all four machines.

My legs feel like rubber. Seriously. But I need this so badly and am SO glad I pushed myself to do it. Can't imagine how much I am going to hurt in the morning. We'll see. But, it's all good. Wednesday night we will be learning to use some upper body machines. Looking forward to it. Here's to getting my life back.

Later.

Stars & Angels Among Us

I was blown away to find out that I was nominated for this year's Stars & Angels Among Us, the annual fundraiser for the June E. Nylen Cancer Center. http://www.nylencancercenter.com/archives/1076

Jim and Lou Gergeni nominated me as a Star. According to the information I received, "A Star is a cancer survivor that encourages and supports others and faces the challenges of survival. A star finds inner strength to accept this challenge and inspire others. A Star is courageous, full of grace, encouraging and supportive to others in their time of need."

I'm honored and humbled. Thank you Jim and Lou.

Later.

I'm Done!! ??

What a day. Got up early to accomplilsh a few things before having to leave to spend the day at the Cancer Center. For whatever reason, the day just didn't seem to get off to a great start.

I was remotely logging in to my work computer to do a few things but repeatedly got thrown off. That never happens. Over and over...finally get logged on, work a couple of minutes...lose connection.

Then I decided to call American Airlines to book the free flight that I had earned last spring for being top individual fundraiser for the local Susan Komen Race for the Cure. I wanted to use it to book our beach vacation in March. Was disappointed to find that no promo seats were available for the flights I wanted.

I also am having difficulty deciding on rental accommodations for that trip. So, I was a little down when Marilyn picked me to head to the Cancer Center. But I had no idea what was ahead of me once I got there.

You may recall that I had another MUGA scan last Monday. They monitor my heart function regularly due to the potential of the drug that I am on to damage the heart. SO...back up momentarily...I was scheduled for a chest x-ray this morning, prior to labs, nurse evaluation, doctor's exam and chemo. So...now, fast forward and x-ray, labs, and nurse eval are completed and in walks Dr. D.

First item of business...discuss the results of the MUGA scan. Apparently there was some sort of issue which caused some of the results to be unclear, but from what they were able to see, my heart function had significantly decreased since my last exam. He was concerned about this...so much so, that he decided it was not in my best interest to continue treatment. Totally off the wall and unexpected...I had treatment today, and am now done.

Several of my blood counts were down some as well and he will continue to monitor those. He is still determined that I need to have a colonoscopy... even more so after my x-ray today...so once again will call Dr. Hartje's office to schedule that. I was hoping that the reason they never contacted me was because they had decided that it was unnecessary. Apparently not. He was very surprised that it had not been done. So, within the next couple of weeks, that will be scheduled and completed and I will return for a follow-up consultation on 2/25. But no

more treatments. Do you realize what that means? I AM DONE! I rang the bell when I finished today, signaling the completion of my treatment schedule. Everyone in the place applauded and many congratulated me. Both Ken and Marilyn were there to share the moment. These photos which Ken took will share that moment with all of you as well.

Ironically, while we were gone our new recycle bin had been delivered and was setting in our driveway. :)

I am in a complete state of flux right now. It was so out of the blue. I can't even process the fact that I am done. Much to sort through and wrap my head around. So, we're celebrating (though tentatively) in the Stueve household tonight. Hope you're all beginning a fabulous week-end.

Later.

RX Health

Well, that was interesting. I had my first RX Health class tonight at the Y...approximately 14 cancer patients gathered together to begin an 8 week fitness journey.

Several of us are still in treatment, a couple had just completed treatment...some finished treatment several years ago and everything in between. About 1/3 of the participants are what I would consider young...another 1/3, middle age and the rest of us are old, relatively speaking. All women.

We will apparently be trying out the equipment and some of the classes that the Y has to offer. We will also be receiving educational information on nutrition and fitness. And, our homework for next time is to set our own SMART goals. (specific - measurable - attainable - realistic - timely). This is to include our weight loss goals. :) Wonder what Dr. D. would have to say about that?

Anyway, we'll see how it goes. It wasn't exactly what I was expecting, though I'm not sure what that was. But I'll give it a chance. I really do need to get some exercise. So, a new year...a new experience. I'm up for it.

Later.

Deja Vu

Funny...a year ago it seemed like every appointment, every treatment, every procedure happened to fall on a particularly bad weather day. Today, I had a MUGU scan scheduled first thing at Mercy. And, we had a snow storm. Oh well. Fortunately Ken didn't have class today and was more than happy to taxi me in his four wheel drive pick-up. Wasn't sure that my little car would be able to navigate the 14 inches of snow very well. But, we got there no problem in the truck and everything went smoothly. As I was lying on the table, I was puzzled once again by the bougainvillea on the ceiling. They have a pot of artificial bougainvillea hanging from the ceiling tile grid...I assume to give you something to focus on other than the sterility of the hospital beige walls and ceiling. But it just looks out of place to me. I love bougainvillea, but somehow, it just doesn't seem like it belongs on the ceiling. I think about that every time I have this procedure. Oh well.

So, from there I went to work. In thinking back to a year ago, I barely made it in to the office at all during January and February. Today I was there in the middle of a snow storm. What a difference a year makes. Someone told me I shouldn't look back. But, I think it's OK to look back, as long as your focus is on how far you've come and on celebrating the victories the past year has brought. A year ago, it was all I could do to fix a home cooked meal once in awhile. Tonight, I have a pot of homemade lentil soup simmering on the stove...perfect fare for a night like this. And, I enjoy being able to do things like that again. We tend to take so many things for granted. Just chopping all the vegetables for homemade soup takes a lot of effort when all you really are trying to do is focus on not getting sick. Ken became an expert "chopper" last winter.

I was supposed to have my first exercise class for cancer patients tonight, but it was cancelled due to weather. Bummer.

But, enough about my day. Now I just wait until Friday to find out the results of this most recent procedure. Hope you're all staying warm.

Later.

Strength in Numbers

I was talking to someone this morning who mentioned my blog. I had no idea she had been reading my blog and this isn't the first time this has happened recently. Ken and I were talking about it and he asked if I had checked my stats lately. It has really been quite some time since I did that so I decided to take a peak. I was blown away to see that I have had nearly 1000 page views in the past month. This really got me wondering who they are.

I can't begin to tell you all how much it means to me that you have been following me...some of you since I started this blog over a year ago, and some of you, apparently, just recently. It has been such a help to me to have this outlet for my feelings and it gives me such strength to know that so many of you are out there supporting me...even when sometimes I am doing nothing more than randomly venting to help me clear my head. I would so love to know who all of you are. As you read this, would you mind just taking a moment to say hi and let me know you're there? If you prefer to not post publicly, just shoot me an email to cathystunnel@gmail.com.  You don't have to even sign up as a follower. Many follow without signing up. Of course, I welcome all the followers I can get so if it's not a problem, please go ahead and sign up. But, in any case, just let me know you're out there. OK? I appreciate each and every one of you more than you will ever know. Thanks.

Later.

Take a Look

I thought about titling this A Look Back, but I'm not just looking back. I'm looking ahead as well. So, it's just Take a Look...

It occurs to me that last year at this time I had just received the results of my first PET scan and the jolting news that there appeared to be a problem with my thyroid. This started the roller coaster of Endocrinologist visits, biopsies and finally surgery to remove my potentially cancerous thyroid. What a wild ride. And, what a difference a year makes.

Yesterday I got my rings back. I can't tell you what this means to me. Putting them back on is like rediscovering that original hope, the original dreams and the original promise that came with them. This time, those things have a little different focus...one we never dreamed we would experience more than 40 years ago when we were married. But here we are.



Is this really me? REALLY?



We've been through valleys and on top of mountains. We have been in bright sunlight and in dark tunnels. This cancer tunnel was longer and much more twisted that we originally anticipated but we are now definitely looking at that light that is getting brighter as we approach the end. So bright, in fact, that we are now seriously discussing a spring vacation. The biggest question right now is whale watching on the northern California coast or soaking up the warm sun on South Padre Island? Actually, I feel myself drawn a little more to the warmth option since I am always freezing these days.

I have a MUGA scan on Monday and another treatment on Friday. I have an introduction to my Cancer patient exercise class on Monday and a fitness test on Wednesday. Should be an interesting week.

Later.



The Gift

Today was a gift. Not that many days aren't, but today, especially, was a gift.

First of all, when I got home from work, I had a letter from Mercy Medical congratulating me on the fact that the results of my recent Pap had come back normal. Can you hear the sigh of relief? Also, I still had no word from Dr. Hartje's office concerning scheduling of a colonoscopy. It has been two weeks since I was told they would be contacting me. I take this to mean that it has been decided that this is not necessary at this time. Must be. Surely two weeks is enough time to schedule me and get me the information.

And finally...Ken just received a call that my rings are ready for pickup. So, tomorrow I will once again have my wedding rings. My ORIGINAL rings. Wasn't sure that would ever happen. Some days life just doesn't really feel that good...but today it does. It's a gift on so many levels.

Later.