Yesterday

If you are one of the people who emailed me yesterday and didn't get a response, let me explain. I guess yesterday was the day they had warned me about.

First of all, I woke up very early sneezing repeatedly. Thought mybe it was just temporary from the 2nd chemo drug but it kept up. In addition, I felt extremely exhausted...more tired than I can ever remember feeling. I was thinking I was very glad that my Cancer Center appointment wasn't until afternoon because I didn't even have the energy to get ready and go.

But eventually I had to because I had labs and a nursing consultation scheduled. They drew blood and eventually called me back. This is the point in the chemo cycle where the drugs that are attacking the cancer cells also do a number on your good cells. They expect that to happen and monitor you closely for it. The nurse said that for the most part my numbers were in a range that they could deal with but my white count was dangerously low. They want it to be over 1000 and mine was 127, which, according to my sister who works in the medical lab field says might just as well be 0 because you have virtually no white cells at that point. That leaves you extremely vulnerable to infection. That coupled with the fact that I had a low grade fever and an apparent sinus infection were red flags that the nurse thought she should discuss with the doctor before letting me leave so I went back to the reception area to wait and see what they wanted to do.

Ended up the nurse actually got me in to see one of the doctors even though I didn't have an appointment and it was determined that I should go on a course of antibiotics just to be on the safe side. So, today I am on "Precautions" which apparently is what they call it when this happens and they give you a long list of things to not do. And, I am on gigantic antibiotic pills which anyone who knows me is a big deal because I gag on the smallest of tiny little pills. :) But she said things should turn around within a couple of days and be fine. This is just part of life now. And, I was there at the right time and got what I needed so was able to avoid an ER run so that is good.

I should get to those emails soon so keep them coming. I love hearing from everyone and am always pleased to see a new follower on this blog. Later.

Perspective

"I cried because I had no shoes until I met a man with no feet." --Anonymous

Yesterday I was a little down. Didn't even feel like writing. Christmas was over. Kelli and Brett had left. I had endless waves of nausea...felt like I was developing minor mouth sores. My legs, hips and back hurt from the Neulasta. But, then I met Jake Olson. Well, I didn't meet him but I saw him on TV. He has cancer as well and he is just 12 years old. He recently had surgery to remove his cancerous right eye. Having lost his left eye when just an infant, this latest surgery left him completely blind. And, he's dealing with it.

Not only dealing with it, but dealing well. Do I think that he never has a down day? Can't imagine that he doesn't. But, it is not the random days that define who you are through this. It is the overall picture. Jake focuses on what he has, not what he doesn't. And, shame on me if I can't learn something from that.

I have an unbelievably supportive network of family and friends. My husband...I don't even know how to start to thank him. He cooks for me, he cleans, does the laundry, gets groceries, acts as courier between my home and office and is just always there for me. He and my kids bought a wardrobe of loungewear, soft sheets, warm blanket, slippers and so much more to try to keep me comfortable. They bought me a Chameleon bracelet with a tiny pink ribbon and a bag of charms to be added one at a time after each chemo session. This is one more way they are trying to keep me focussed on the end result rather than the day to day inconveniences.

I've received many calls, emails, meals, and words of support from friends and family. I have many followers on this blog. If I have an occasional post where I sound down, please forgive me. I assure you, it won't last long.

I may have cancer but I am a very lucky individual. I've had a good life and it continues to be so. (even though I absolutely HATE feeling nauseous :)

I'm back to work today, though, for now, it has to be from my home office. Tomorrow I have another appointment at the Cancer Center. And, my sister and brother-in-law from Denver are headed this way to spend a few days with me. Life is good.

Christmas

Merry Christmas, all! What a different Christmas it has been. The weather...what about that? It certainly has thrown a monkey wrench into lots of peoples plans. We were fortunate. Kelli and Brett had plans to drive home right before Christmas but decided to come early to be with me for my first chemo treatment. That meant they were here safe and sound before the first snowflakes fell. Michelle and the kids, of course, live here in town so they headed over early yesterday and just brought all their stuff and moved in. So we had a big slumber party last night for Christmas Eve.

It was the first time in many, many years that I didn't host the big Christmas Eve bash for Marilyn, Russ, Jen and the kids and anyone else who happened to be in town. I felt really badly about that.

We missed Matt and Sara but are happy knowing they were safe and sound and enjoying Christmas with their Denver and extended family. They will begin a new adventure on Sunday as they load up a moving truck and move to their new home in the mountains.

This morning, I woke up a little after five with a really raspy cough. Got up for a bit but then was able to go back to bed and sleep for a couple of hours and got up feeling better. We were just getting a late start on opening gifts when the power went off. What an old fashioned feeling but what a peaceful morning we had.

I forgot to mention on my last post that I had ordered a couple of hats and they arrived a couple of days ago. Thought I should be prepared. I haven't been able to mentally wrap my brain around trying them on, however. Not exactly sure how I am going to react to that bend in the tunnel.

My mind unfortunately strayed back to Christmas 15 years ago when my dad received his cancer diagnosis. We took off for Denver to help them prepare to move back to Iowa to begin treatments. As we took down their lovingly placed Christmas decorations, we had no idea that it would be for the last time. That was Dad's last Christmas. And, given my diagnosis, I realize I could be in that same position, though, every part of my being refuses to believe that. When Christmas, 2010 rolls around, I will be just completing my chemo schedule and beginning radiation. Still, just in case, I wanted to thoroughly enjoy this Christmas and I have. Am trying not to focus on the upcoming thyroid biopsy and how that result might play into all of this.

But, that will just be another bend in the tunnel that will be dealt with when and if it happens. For now, I can not yet see that light at the end of the tunnel, but I can see the lights of Christmas all around me sending that comforting feeling of the Christmas miracle. And, in the words of Tiny Tim, God bless us everyone.

Chemo Day Two

Short post today. I'm really dragging, but not sick yet so that is AWESOME!

I went to the Cancer Center first thing this morning for an injection of Neulasta. This is a powerful, albeit it expensive, drug that is supposed to help counteract the white blood cell distroying properties of the aggressive chemo drugs. While they are killing my adult white blood cells, the Neulasta will worked to aggressively produce baby white blood cells. These are produced in the bone marrow of the large bones which causes them to expand somewhat. (this is how all of this was explained to me this morning) Anyway, because of that I can expect to have pain and soreness in these bones and joints for several days. This will be primarily in the thighs, hips, pelvis and breastbone.

As I sit here looking out my window, it appears as if the expected storm is bearing down upon us. Hope you are all in a warm and safe place and that you all have a very Merry Christmas!

Chemo

I DID it! I made it through my FIRST chemo treatment. (The first treatment itself, that is...not the first chemo's side effects. That will come later.) Anyway...

What a long day! I arrived at the Cancer Center at 7:30 AM and slid in the front door. Labs were first so that was my first experience with my new port. I was afraid it might be very painful since the incision isn't healed yet but she was very sensitive to the situation and it really didn't hurt much at all.

Following that, we were sent back up to the reception area to wait and the doctor was running behind today so it was almost an hour past my appointment time when we got to see the oncologist. He had the results of my MUGA scan and PET scan. The MUGA is done to confirm that your heart is strong enough to handle the chemo drugs because the ones I am getting are hard on your heart. He said I did fine on that so it would not be a problem to move forward with the chemo.

The PET Scan...
Well, he started by saying that he saw no evidence of the cancer having spread, BUT

What? Not again...the same thing happened when we had our treatment consultation. (The tumor is small, it was caught early, it hasn't spread to the lymph nodes, BUT)

I forgot to mention that my particular tunnel is not only long...it is apparently designed with numerous twists and turns so that it is not always possible to see the light at the end from where you're standing at any given moment.

My right thyroid gland showed up very brightly which indicated a high concentration of the radioative dye. This is how they look for possible areas of cancer. Now, he said that he doesn't necessarily think that it is cancer, but it is something. And that something could be cancer. So on January 6, I will have another biopsy...this time of my thyroid gland. He debated cancelling todays chemo session but after consulting with one of his collegues, he decided to go ahead. The long delay through the holidays and waiting for another biopsy would not be in my best interest. So, I went back out to the reception area to await my turn to be called back for chemo. At this point, we were now more than an hour behind schedule. We waited about another half hour and finally it was my name they were calling over the intercom.

I had been awake since 4am anticipating this moment. My nerves were shot. But a wonderfully kind nurse walked me through the entire process and promised to be there with me every step of the way. She was great. When she injected the insideous drug she saw me grimace and asked if I could taste it. There is a sort of gunmetal taste associated with it and she suggested a mint to help. She also offered additional iv fluids to help lessen the nausea. She did everything possible to alleviate my fears. Hats off to Jackie (not sure if that is the way she spells it).

Someone from the Resource Department also stopped by to visit with me. She gave me information on Breast Cancer itself as well as information on Support Groups, hats, wigs, etc.

We got home around 2:00. What a long day. I am very tired, somewhat lightheaded, have a slight headache, a bit of nausea, but not bad. I'm hanging in there. The next two days are supposed to be tough but I am hoping the nausea meds I have will be enough to counteract whatever comes my way. The one prescription retails for $540 for 2 pills, one for day 2 and one for day 3. Thank GOD for insurance. They should be good, wouldn't you think? We'll know soon enough.

For now...that's it. I think I need a nap. Will let you know how it goes tomorrow.

October

When I first decided I wanted to create a blog, I intended to title it Faded Pink. Why?

Because October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

Everywhere you go you see pink, supposedly to keep breast cancer top of mind. Everything from pink cereal boxes to kitchen utensils to cleaning supplies to even batteries...all packaged in pink....all designed to keep you constantly aware of breast cancer.

But, this October I didn't need the sea of pink to make me very aware of breast cancer. A routine mammogram on October 22 resulted in my own diagnosis with breast cancer. That October afternoon began a whirlwind of activities leading up to surgery on November 2.

At that point, Breast Cancer Awareness Month was over and people in general could again look beyond the pink and move breast cancer to the back of their minds. The sea of pink might have faded but my breast cancer awareness was just beginning.

I won't go into the surgery experience and how that affects you and plays with your head. It's tough, to say the least, but in many ways, it is easier than what comes later. At the time of surgery, the diagnosis is still new. Everything moves fairly quickly and the situation is pretty much front of mind for those in your world...it's still pretty pink.

But, then the waiting game starts. You have to wait for an appointment to meet with the oncologist. You have to wait to find out what further treatment you will need. And, in my case, this wait was even longer due to some miscommunications involving lab reports which resulted in having to order additional tests and wait some more. During this time, the "pink" starts to fade even for those who are in your world. Everything seems like it is getting back to normal. But it's not.

When I finally got in for my second consultation with the oncologist, it had now been almost six weeks since surgery. The surgery, by the way had determined that the tumor was very small, was stage one and had not spread to the lymph nodes so we were very hopeful that treatment would be fairly easy and short. It was just the waiting to find this out that was so difficult. So, what a surprise when we had our second consultation with the oncologist on December 10 and were told that while caught early, it was an extremely aggressive type of cancer that was going to require very aggressive treatment....12 months of chemo, followed by 6 weeks of radiation, followed by 5 years of hormone treatment.

Did you just hear a jail cell clank shut? I did. That is what it felt like. A completely unexpected, kick in the head, jail sentence. I was stunned, completely caught off guard and scared to death.

That night I woke up around 3AM with a phrase from a song going through my head..."there's a light at the end of this tunnel, shining bright at the end of this tunnel, for you." I knew I had to have heard that song somewhere but I had no idea where. I had no idea what the song was about. And I had no idea what any of the other words to the song were. Just, "there's a light at the end of this tunnel, shining bright at the end of this tunnel, for you."

I mentioned it to Ken the next day and he immediately knew what song I was referring to. He is very involved with contemporary Christian music and had obviously played this downstairs in his music room at some point which is where I heard it. It is a Christian song by Third Day and it is about providing hope to someone going through a very difficult situation. I had no idea, but it woke me up. And that is why I changed my mind and decided to title this blog The Tunnel.

I don't want this to be a negative venue. I want it to focus on the positive as much as possible...the light at the end of the tunnel.

On Tuesday, December 22, I will find out the results of my PET scan and will know whether or not this aggressive cancer has already spread. I will also begin my 12 month chemo journey. For those of you who decide to travel this road with me via this blog, I will welcome your comments and feedback. I can't promise to provide daily updates, but I will communicate as regularly as possible. Feel free to share this link with others you know who may be interested. And, if you're walking with me in this I would appreciate it if you let me know that. I would like to have some idea who I am talking to. Until Tuesday...