Graduation Day

My graduation outfit.

Didn't mind the alarm going off at 6:30 this morning. That was the introduction to the first day of the rest of my life. I got up, put on a pot of coffee, showered and dressed and took off for the Cancer Center. I had to be there at 7:20 for my regularly scheduled radiation treatment. There was just one thing different about today's treatment. It was my last. They call it your graduation day. No cap and gown...just a Cancer Center t-shirt which they present to you as your graduation gift. I never thought I could get so excited about a t-shirt. I even wore it to work...the first time I've ever worn a t-shirt to the office. But I earned this and I really wanted to wear it. Shirts and hugs...that is how they end the seven week treatment session. They are such great people there. I really will miss seeing them every day. They are so good at making the treatment sessions a positive experience.  I do have to go back for a follow up exam in a couple of weeks but the treatment schedule is complete. Next up...hormone blocker medication. And, of course, there is the ever-present chemo. But I can really see it now...the light, that is. Never thought it would happen but I can almost hear the sound of the surf calling my name as well. One of these days...

Later

Feels Like Friday

Don't know why. Maybe because I had chemo on Friday for so long and today was a chemo day. Started with radiation, then labs, then nurse consult, then exam with doctor, then chemo.  Long day as usual. But it is behind me now. And tomorrow is my LAST radiation. I feel elated but then I feel guilty for feeling elated because I have several friends who are just beginning. Please keep them in your prayers as well.  This is a short post today, but just wanted to tick off another chemo treatment. My doctor was not in today but his associate gave me info on the hormone blocker treatment I will be starting soon. Sounds like lots of potential side effects, of course. Not looking forward to that but we'll see how it goes. Pretty much everything is manageable if you give it a chance. Looking forward to tomorrow and the weekend.

Later.

Who Knew?

Who knew when I was diagnosed with cancer 9 months ago, that it would just be the beginning of the cancer attack on my work family.

Last week I asked for prayers for a good friend, just recently diagnosed. Today, another. Receiving a cancer diagnosis is such a devastating blow. You have all kept me going through your prayers and support. I would like to offer that same support to those who are close to me.

I came across this story the other day...

Two Horses


When I was a young boy in Idaho, I remember there was a field with two horses in it. From a distance, each horse looked like any other horse. But if you stopped your car, or walked by, you noticed something quite amazing. Looking into the eyes of one horse you would have discovered that he is blind. His owner had chosen not to have him put down, but has made a good home for him. If you stood nearby and listened, you would hear the sound of a bell. Looking around for the source of the sound, you would see that it came from the smaller horse in the field. Attached to the horse's halter was a small bell. It let the blind friend know where the other horse was, so he could follow. As you stood and watched these two horses, you'd see that the horse with the bell was always checking on the blind horse, and that the blind horse was listening for the bell. He would then slowly walk to where the other horse was, trusting that he would not be led astray.
When the horse with the bell returned to the shelter of the barn each evening, it stopped occasionally and looked back, making sure that the blind friend wasn't too far behind to hear the bell. I like to think that, like the owner of these two horses, God does not throw us away just because we are not perfect or because we come with problems or challenges. He watches over us and brings others into our lives to help us when we are in need. Sometimes we are the blind horse being guided by the little ringing bell of those who he has placed in our lives. Other times we wear the bell, helping others to find their way... Either way, listen for your bell.

How perfect.

 Later.

Countdown

5 - 4 - 3 -

That's right. The countdown has begun. I started with 33 radiation treatments ahead of me which felt like an eternity. Now there are THREE remaining. 30 down. 3 to go.

Yesterday the dietician suggested I try some Ensure. I thanked her but declined. I don't know...Ensure is what my Dad had to drink when he had cancer. It feels like a senior citizen drink :). I don't think I need it. I'm almost done with radiation. Then I think things have to get better.

Chemo Thursday, too. Have to psych myself up to get through that day  But, then it will be Friday...graduation day for me. The last day of summer school for Ken. And the beginning of only having to visit the Cancer Center once every three weeks  We are going to disappear Friday evening for about 24 hours for a quiet celebration and to bask in the sense of relief and new-found freedom. It's been so long since I haven't had to feel tethered to the Cancer Center. I still have chemo until March. Can't forget that. But there will be three week intervals now where I don't have to think about it.

In August we are even going to take a little vacation to visit family in Colorado. Definitely looking forward to that as well. For now, at least, life is good.

Later.

Graduation

The alarm went off at 6:30 am and as I struggled to open my eyes the realization hit me that week-end was over and it was time to get up and face another radiation appointment. But this Monday is different...it is the first day of my last week of radiation.

I mentioned this last week, but today they started something different. He called it radiation boost. It is a different type of radiation treatment, targeted at a more speciric area to include the tumor cavity and the incision. These treatments are supposed to increase your chances of avoiding a recurrence of the cancer. The main difference I noticed was that the machine is placed much closer to the body and it includes an added piece which directs the beam more specifically. They only treat from one angle, directly above you, rather than from several angles. Otherwise, it seemed pretty similar.

Since it is Monday, the treatment was again followed by a meeting with the dietician and then the doctor. He said the treatments are going well and he will see me again on Friday this week since that is my last treatment. He called it my graduation day. I had not heard that term used before but it's kind of cool, huh? I will graduate from yet another phase of my treatment...no reception, no gifts, please :)...but definitely a celebration. Looking forward to Friday.

Later.

It's Not About Me!

I could tell you about my radiation treatment today...the fact that in addition to my regular treatment I had to prepare for the radiation boosts that they will do next week. I guess this is a type of treatment they have found to decrease your chances of recurrence. As I understand it, they radiate the surface area of the incision and the tumor cavity. It requires different markings than the treatments they have been doing. Hence, more tattoos...ouch. But, once they have completed those treatments next Friday, my radiation will be complete and I will be one step closer to the end of this interminable tunnel.

But, as happy as I am about that, like I said, today it's not about me. As I put one more milestone behind me and crawl closer to that light, a good friend of mine is just beginning his journey. I feel so bad that he and his wife have to go through this. If all of you who have been so faithful in your prayers for me would take a moment to pray for my friend, it would really mean a lot to me.

And, friend, if you're reading this, please know that any time you feel like you don't have the strength to fight this battle, let me know and I will lend you some. Hang in there.

Later

It's Not About the...

According to Lance Armstrong, It's Not About the Bike. From my perspective right now, It's Not About the Body.

Every Monday after you receive your radiation treatment, you have to meet with the dietician, who records your weight, and then the radiation oncologist. In the past, I have always dropped one or two pounds per week. Not trying to...it just happens. The dietician always mentions it and asks about my appetite, etc. That's about all there is to it. I knew it might be more of an issue this week because, for whatever reason, I had dropped more weight than usual. In fact, I was almost glad when I got up this morning to see that I was retaining a little fluid, as sometimes happens, and therefore was up 3 pounds from what I had been over the weekend. Still, when I got on her scale I was down 5 for the week. I didn't tell her that really should have been 8. So she asked about my appetite as usual and then asked if I normally snack. I said no...it's all I can do to eat three meals. I do eat most every meal, hungry or not, but don't typically feel like it. She told me I need to start snacking to get some extra calories in me. Really? It seems to me that if you have no appetite and have to force yourself to even eat small amounts, that snacking between meals would just limit even more what you are able to eat at mealtime. I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong. I guess I'm just burned out with the constant monitoring of my weight. Kind of like when someone congratulates me for losing so much. Really? Is it an accomplishment to drop weight when you are fighting a life threatening illness? It's not like I am fresh off a stay at The Biggest Loser Ranch and have come home a winner. It's not like I did anything. It's just the way it is.

Not a good thingl, and not bad either. It just is what it is. Isn't it?

Later.

Hair Day

No, not a bad hair day. That was back on my January 4 blog post. Not a good hair day either. Just a hair day. I stopped by to see Candace (my hairdresser) this evening...told her we need a plan. I am just beginning to get some hair growth...not enough to do anything with...doesn't even cover my head yet. But, that day is coming so just wanted Candace to know that I will be back...eventually.

She said it looks like it will probably be around Thanksgiving before there is enough to try to do anything with and even then, it won't be much. Probably a couple of inches. As long as I am still receiving chemo, it will grow very slowly. But, hey, it's growing and that's what counts. So, that is a small ray of light peeking through this tunnel. It's been nearly 7 months now since I lost my hair.

Ironically, Candace mentioned something that happened on my last appointment right before I was diagnosed. I had been remembering the same incident myself when I decided I was going to stop in today. That day I'm referring to was the day before I was scheduled to have a variety of tests at Mercy. One of those tests was the mammogram which resulted in my diagnosis. Anyway, while I was there a lady came in to see Candace and I could tell by looking at her that she was a cancer patient. She was wearing a ball cap and had just a small amount of hair beginning to grow back. She had stopped in to see Candace and talk about what to do with her hair. There was something about her that I couldn't get out of my mind and the next day I was diagnosed myself. It was the strangest experience but one that both Candace and I clearly remember.

So, now I'm where she was many months ago. And Candace says she is doing great. Hopefully, I will too.

Later.

20

It is Tuesday, July 13 and at 7:20am today I received radiation treatment #20. So, what is the significance of that? Probably not much, except that going into the twenties when I will have a total of 33 treatments seems like a milestone. I can feel myself pushing closer to the end of this madness. At my last exam, Dr. D. decided that next time we will discuss starting the hormone treatment as soon as radiation is completed. That was supposed to be the final step in the treatment process and it still will be except now it sounds like it will begin prior to the completion of the Herceptin infusions rather than after completion of that phase. He has never given any reason for moving up both the radiation and the hormone schedule but I sometimes wonder if they know something I don't.

I was reading about a new method of radiation for breast cancer patients who have had lumpectomies. They do it in one treatment, at the time of surgery before closing the incision. That sounds like a fantastic treatment breakthrough. One treatment as opposed to thirty three. Only problem is, if your pathology report indicates you have an aggressive form of cancer, they can't do it. Or they won't do it at this time anyway. It's too risky. The way the report put it was that those with aggressive cells which indicate a poor prognosis are not good candidates for the treatment. I don't know...there is just something about that term "poor prognosis" that leaves me cold. I know that the biggest concern with cancers like mine is its ability to spread and its liklihood of recurrence. Like I said, no reason has been given for putting these treatments on fast forward, but the meanderings of the mind can make you question most anything.

But, for right now, I am moving through this and starting to realize that there will come a time when this is all behind me. For quite some time, that didn't seem like a realistic possibility. Radiation will be completed the end of July and the Herceptin infusions will end in March. So, I'm starting to wonder, when do I end this blog? Does it make sense to end with the completion of radiation? Or, is my one year diagnosis anniversary in October a better option? Do I ride it to the end of the Herceptin treatments? I can't decide. Maybe I just wait until I run out of things to say. What do you think?

Later.

Beauty and the Beach

Sunday morning...what a beautiful weekend this has been. We could not have asked for better weather. Once the rain cleared out yesterday, which was before 9am, the sun came out and shone on the water for the entire day. Temperatures in the 80s and very little humidity.

 It was a great day to just enjoy the view and do nothing. The sun felt great...even sunburned my head a bit. Now, that's a first.

Ken took advantage of the peace and quiet to work on writing some songs and I just enjoyed the water. Not only did it provide a peaceful backdrop to my meandering thoughts but the temperature was perfect as well. Very comforting.

Last night, we grilled a whole tuna. No, we didn't catch it here. It was a frozen souvenir from our Oregon beach vacation last August. We had four of them and thought it was a perfect option to bring to the cabin for one meal. It was delicious and leftovers make great tuna salad. If you've never tried it you can't imagine what you are missing.

It stayed light out until after 9:30 and we enjoyed the water and the peaceful world it creates until the insect population decided to make it clear that it was their turn. Then we just moved our chairs indoors and took advantage of the wall of glass which faces the water.

I expected it to be raining this morning, but it wasn't and isn't. We'll enjoy a few more hours of paradise before we return to the world of Cancer Centers, and life in the fast lane. But the peace and tranquility we were able to capture here will linger as we go back to real life. And, I'm sure that we willl return sooner rather than later. For now, the sun on the water is calling me one last time so I will take advantage of it.

Later.

Seize the Day

What a way to wake up. A cool lake breeze coming in the bedroom window and the low roll of distant thunder in the background. It was a little earlier than I would have preferred to be awake...I seem to feel like sleeping all the time...but a rare opportunity to enjoy nature at its best. So, I pulled up the blanket and just laid there enjoying the sounds, knowing that I would have the opportunity to enjoy the promise of sun on the water later on. It wasn't long before it started to rain, though not hard and the sound of the gentle drops on the window against the backdrop of the thunder was just about perfect. Ken had gotten up earlier, upon hearing the thunder and was in the family room enjoying the view of the clouds and rain across the lake from the wide expanse of windows. Me...I preferred to stay cuddled up in bed and just listen.

It wasn't long before the thunder started to fade and the clouds began to break. And, there it was. The light at the end of the tunnel. It was like a reminder to me that just as there is sunshine after the rain, there will be light after the darkness of these past many months. And, there is something almost therapeutic about being here. A week-end at the lake may not heal the body but it does wonders for the mind and the soul. I always say that I was born to be on the water. The ocean may be my first love, but the lake is certainly a close second. Thanks so much to Sue and Ron for being willing to share their cabin and the lake experience.

So, not wanting to miss out on a moment, sleep lost out and I got up to make some coffee. There's nothing like that first cup of morning coffee at the lake. I couldn't help but think while I was making it, how lucky I am to be a person who can so fully appreciate the simple things in life...things like just sitting and watching the sun on the water while sipping my morning coffee. Some people can and some can't...or won't. I personally love it. It is a way to push aside all the mental garbage and just appreciate what life is all about. I suppose once you have found yourself in a position to realize that life as you have always known it could end sooner rather than later, it becomes easier to appreciate each god given moment and experience. So, just thought I would also share it with all of you. Right now the sun is shining brightly so I need to get outside and enjoy it. Haven't had much sun time so far this summer.

Later.

One of Those LONG Days

Wow...I'm finally starting to wake up. Today was one of those long Cancer Center days. Started the morning with radiation. One of the Linear Accelerators was down so they had to run everyone through one which slowed down the process tremendously. Digressing momentarily, yesterday was x-ray day. They do that once a week. But, for some reason they were having problems with mine and ended up redoing it 4 times. When I got on the table for my treatment this morning, they said they were going to have to take another x-ray. They ended up taking two more today so not really sure what that is about.

Anyway, finally finished up radiation and got checked in for labs with one minute to spare. Then it was a nurse consultation followed by doctor consultation and exam. My lab report wasn't too bad though my white cells had dropped even a little more since I was last there. He thinks it may be from the radiation though that is apparently less likely than it is with chemo. Will have to keep monitoring the situation. He also indicated that next time we need to talk about starting hormone therapy. Great. The grand finale was chemo. The good news was I scored one of the private rooms with a bed. That is always a plus. The pre meds they give you really do a number on me, though. They make me fall asleep while I'm there and I fell asleep again as soon as I got home and slept for several hours. Thank goodness Marilyn came and sat with me and chauffered me home. Ken was teaching today so unavailable for the marathon Cancer Center sit-in. Sure hope that some day I get my energy back.

But, like I said, I am finally awake and have to start gettiing ready for the week-end. We are driving up to Sue and Ron's cabin tomorrow evening. Looking forward to it. Haven't been there since last summer. I think that a couple of days relaxing on the water's edge sounds like just what the doctor ordered. Have radiation again in the morning. Then work. Then week-end. Hope you all have a great week-end as well.

Later.

Oh, and, by the way...I'm half way through radiation now. Yay Me!

Make It Easy!

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Radiation

This morning I thought again about an article I read several months ago about Coach Karl of the Denver Nuggets and his cancer treatment. I think this article had much to do with my apprehension about radiation. In re-reading it, I feel comfort in the fact that so far my treatments are not having as negative an effect on me as his obviously did. Still, there are some similarities. I have just reached the stage in my radiation that he was at when this interview was done. It's an interesting read...

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/news/story?id=4997277

Later.

Good or Bad?

So...
does the fact that someone has always tried to live a good life mean they won't get cancer? Will their biopsy turn out to be benign? If not, will their cancer be early stage and easily treatable? If they require treatment, will it just be short and easily tolerated?

Up until now, I have always felt and always said "no." I have been vehement in my stand that this is just not the case. That it is wonderful if someone always tries to live a good life, aspires to do the right thing, etc, but this has nothing to do with cancer.

Today I'm questioning that.

If so, this begs the question
does the fact that someone is diagnosed with cancer mean they are NOT a good person...or, at least, not good enough? If their biopsy turns out to be clearly malignant, have they just not tried hard enough...not done enough? If their cancer is not early stage and easily treatable, do they have something they need to atone for? If they are faced with a long and very difficult treatment schedule are they less worthy than the other guy?

Just curious.

Later.