I have been seriously debating the idea of pulling the plug on this blog. There was a lot of activity back when I was going through surgeries, biopsies, etc. but I was pretty much assuming that interest was dying down and boredom with the whole thing was setting in. Understandable. It's pretty much just chemo, chemo and more chemo.
But here's the crazy thing. I just checked my web analytics and during the past week, there have been 191 visits to this blog. Nearly 200 visits in a weeks time. And that represents 17 cities. People from nearly 30 cities have been on here at one time or another. Who are you? I had no idea so many people were following. Obviously, many of these are repeat visits, but still. Now I don't know. Is there still an interest in how my day is going? Really? Maybe I'll wait a bit and see.
As long as I'm on the subject of my day, I may as well say that I woke up to some major pain in my hips again this morning. It was an effort getting up and getting ready for work but I did it. I am trying to stay on some sort of schedule. I think it is helpful to maintain as much normalcy as possible. And what a great day it is. Sun, warmth...hope to go for a walk later and see if that helps the joints at all. In the meantime, am scouring the refrigerator for something...ANYTHING...that might taste good. It is becoming increasingly difficult to eat. I guess that is the cumulative effects of the chemo. When I was on the really nasty chemo, I at least had several days every cycle when my taste buds went back to normal and I could enjoy eating. Not anymore. It just seems like nothing tastes good or right. I wonder how long this will last.
And I wonder who you 191 visitors are. I certainly appreciate your interest and concern. Can't even tell you how much it means to me. THANK YOU!
Later.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Friday, March 26, 2010
And Now It's Nine
Made it. Long day but we made it and everything went smoothly. Got in on time which is a rarity. Dr. D. called me the Solid Rock of Chemo Patients today. He was looking over my labs and while several numbers are low and I am anemic from the chemo, for the most part they all look great. Plus I have had no major reactions from the drugs. I am tolerating this new round of chemo extremely well. So, I guess that makes me a solid rock. Ken and I both got a chuckle out of that. Hey...I'll take what I can get. If history repeats itself, I will be tired the rest of today and tomorrow but feel pretty well. Then things will go downhill just a bit after that before we turn things around and move toward feeling well by the treatment next Friday. Life is good!
Later.
Later.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
When the Going Gets Tough...
Some days are just tougher than others...
Not just for me, but for all of us. In my case, there are mornings when it is a struggle just to get out of bed. This morning was kind of like that. I slept well but was still tired when it was time to get up. And I hurt. But I did get up and I did manage to get ready and go to work. Since I have been on the new chemo schedule, I have been able to make it into the office much more regularly. For short days, but still...This gives me such a boost because getting up and going to work is such a normal thing to do. And it has seemed like a long time since my life has seen much "normal."
I think that is one thing that has even made it difficult to write. If you don't feel normal and people don't treat you normal, pretty soon you start believing that you're not. It's easy to feel like you're not a part of what is going on out there. And, I don't like that feeling. So, it's time to get back to living.
Not only am I back to work but yesterday, when Ken got home, we went out for a walk. A WALK! It was short but the feel of the fresh air and sun was invigorating. The good news about the new chemo is that I now have more good days...days when I can work, go grocery shopping or for a walk. It is not without its issues. I mentioned the bone pain. I also have some minor mouth sores. That is not fun. Food still doesn't taste very good. And now, after losing my hair during chemo round one but keeping my eyebrows and eyelashes, they are rapidly disappearing as well and will soon be nonexistant. Not nearly as traumatic as the initial hair loss experience, but unpleasant to say the least. But, it's all doable.
On Friday, I will have the third treatment in this round. With that behind me, I will have made it to the single digits for number of these treatments remaining. And with the help and support of friends and family, I will make it to the end of that. It's Spring, and just as the earth is being renewed, so am I. I love hearing from you all and knowing that you are out there cheering me on so keep it up. I appreciate it more than you will ever know.
Later.
Not just for me, but for all of us. In my case, there are mornings when it is a struggle just to get out of bed. This morning was kind of like that. I slept well but was still tired when it was time to get up. And I hurt. But I did get up and I did manage to get ready and go to work. Since I have been on the new chemo schedule, I have been able to make it into the office much more regularly. For short days, but still...This gives me such a boost because getting up and going to work is such a normal thing to do. And it has seemed like a long time since my life has seen much "normal."
I think that is one thing that has even made it difficult to write. If you don't feel normal and people don't treat you normal, pretty soon you start believing that you're not. It's easy to feel like you're not a part of what is going on out there. And, I don't like that feeling. So, it's time to get back to living.
Not only am I back to work but yesterday, when Ken got home, we went out for a walk. A WALK! It was short but the feel of the fresh air and sun was invigorating. The good news about the new chemo is that I now have more good days...days when I can work, go grocery shopping or for a walk. It is not without its issues. I mentioned the bone pain. I also have some minor mouth sores. That is not fun. Food still doesn't taste very good. And now, after losing my hair during chemo round one but keeping my eyebrows and eyelashes, they are rapidly disappearing as well and will soon be nonexistant. Not nearly as traumatic as the initial hair loss experience, but unpleasant to say the least. But, it's all doable.
On Friday, I will have the third treatment in this round. With that behind me, I will have made it to the single digits for number of these treatments remaining. And with the help and support of friends and family, I will make it to the end of that. It's Spring, and just as the earth is being renewed, so am I. I love hearing from you all and knowing that you are out there cheering me on so keep it up. I appreciate it more than you will ever know.
Later.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
The Day Before The Day Of
Here we go again...
The day before chemo.
I'm working from home today and trying to rest up for the long day tomorrow. Mentally, this is probably the hardest day of every chemo cycle for me. I wish I could explain how difficult it is to count down the hours until you know they are going to hook you up to that infusion machine.
It's almost like preparing for battle. It is just not human nature to knowingly and willingly walk in and let them pop the plastic cap with the needle into the port buried under your skin and turn on the "spigot" that begins a slow drip of foreign substances into your system without this creating an amazing amount of apprehension. Anyway, it is certainly not a part of my human nature to do this.
I have stopped Googling possible side effects and reactions because most of what I find increases the negativity of the process and I don't need that. There are any number of possible side effects and these can vary from treatment to treatment You just never know for sure how you are going to react.
One of the biggest things for me right now is the fatigue. It is so hard to explain in a way that someone can comprehend, the fatigue that goes with cancer treatments. It's nothing like waking up in the morning and saying I'm really tired today because I didn't sleep well last night. It is an overwhelming feeling that entirely consumes your body. It forces you to mentally gear up just to get out of bed or walk up a flight of stairs. And, since the effect is cumulative, each treatment makes it just a little worse.
Last week, my worst day was Sunday, followed closely by Monday. After that, I started feeling a little better. My apprehension was actually considerably worse than the treatment itself. I am hoping things go as well this week as last.
One of my biggest fears right now is that they will have to cancel the treatment due to a low white count or something. I've seen that happen to many people as I've sat there. Won't know that until they run the labs. Sounds crazy since I have just gone through a long dissertation on how much I am dreading the treatment. But, bottom line is, I have twelve of these to get through one way or another and if they postpone even one it just stretches out the timeframe that much longer. I want NO delays. I want to get through this and get my life back as quickly as possible. I have places to go, people to see and things to do. :)
The other bottom line...I have absolutely no control over any of this. It is bigger than life. It IS my life right now. And that is why my solution to getting through each treatment is to turn it over to God. It just takes me awhile to get around to doing that sometimes. Repeating again the assurance from Pastor John..." God doesn't give us what we can handle. He helps us to handle what we are given."
Once again tomorrow, I will be holding on to that.
Later.
The day before chemo.
I'm working from home today and trying to rest up for the long day tomorrow. Mentally, this is probably the hardest day of every chemo cycle for me. I wish I could explain how difficult it is to count down the hours until you know they are going to hook you up to that infusion machine.
It's almost like preparing for battle. It is just not human nature to knowingly and willingly walk in and let them pop the plastic cap with the needle into the port buried under your skin and turn on the "spigot" that begins a slow drip of foreign substances into your system without this creating an amazing amount of apprehension. Anyway, it is certainly not a part of my human nature to do this.
I have stopped Googling possible side effects and reactions because most of what I find increases the negativity of the process and I don't need that. There are any number of possible side effects and these can vary from treatment to treatment You just never know for sure how you are going to react.
One of the biggest things for me right now is the fatigue. It is so hard to explain in a way that someone can comprehend, the fatigue that goes with cancer treatments. It's nothing like waking up in the morning and saying I'm really tired today because I didn't sleep well last night. It is an overwhelming feeling that entirely consumes your body. It forces you to mentally gear up just to get out of bed or walk up a flight of stairs. And, since the effect is cumulative, each treatment makes it just a little worse.
Last week, my worst day was Sunday, followed closely by Monday. After that, I started feeling a little better. My apprehension was actually considerably worse than the treatment itself. I am hoping things go as well this week as last.
One of my biggest fears right now is that they will have to cancel the treatment due to a low white count or something. I've seen that happen to many people as I've sat there. Won't know that until they run the labs. Sounds crazy since I have just gone through a long dissertation on how much I am dreading the treatment. But, bottom line is, I have twelve of these to get through one way or another and if they postpone even one it just stretches out the timeframe that much longer. I want NO delays. I want to get through this and get my life back as quickly as possible. I have places to go, people to see and things to do. :)
The other bottom line...I have absolutely no control over any of this. It is bigger than life. It IS my life right now. And that is why my solution to getting through each treatment is to turn it over to God. It just takes me awhile to get around to doing that sometimes. Repeating again the assurance from Pastor John..." God doesn't give us what we can handle. He helps us to handle what we are given."
Once again tomorrow, I will be holding on to that.
Later.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Dem Bones
I had forgotten that one of the side effects of this new treatment could be bone pain...forgotten until yesterday that is, when it hit.
For the most part, for me, it is centered in my hips and thighs...a deep, strong ache, sometimes sharp. Hope it doesn't last long.
Later.
For the most part, for me, it is centered in my hips and thighs...a deep, strong ache, sometimes sharp. Hope it doesn't last long.
Later.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
YES!!
Sorry to take so long in letting you all know how it went. Was pretty tired when we finally got home yesterday. Several have emailed so you already know the news...NO ALLERGIC REACTIONS to this new chemo. Not on the first treatment anyway. Another very long day. 4.5 hours at the Cancer Center. Thanks so much to my patient husband for keeping me company all that time.
Here is how it works. First they spend an hour prepping you with drugs. You get Benadryl, anti-nausea medication, MORE steroids and something to protect your stomach. This all takes an hour and it basically put me to sleep. Then they started the Herceptin. They gave that very slowly the first time. It will be a much shorter process after this. Finally, they finish you off with the Taxol, which is the one they were concerned about with the allergic reactions.
Can't tell you how elated I was to watch the time tick by and realize I was feeling fine. The apprehension slowly dissipated and now I have one of twelve of these behind me. The nurse indicated that she felt I would notice a tremendous improvement in how I felt with these treatments compared to the last. Can I hold her to that? :)
Did find out I have developed anemia but not bad enough to need blood at this point.
Now, it's been just over 24 hours since we got home and so far so good. I was still on a steroid high when I got up this morning so woke up early with lots of energy. Must say that energy thing is not so much right now though, but that's OK. So far, no nausea.
Suddenly I am beginning to get a sense of possibly returning to at least a partially normal life and I am so excited. I realize I have to give this a couple more days to see how it goes and I also am painfully aware of that "cumulative effect" factor that starts to play into it all as well. But something tells me it is going to be better than the last couple of months and I am psyched!
I have counted this up and if nothing gets messed up I will complete this second round the week before Brett is awarded his PhD in Denver. My goal is to be able to be there. I WANT to be there so am just praying that everything goes smoothly over the next 11 weeks. No delays. No bends in the tunnel. Just smooth sailing.
That's about all I know.
Later.
Here is how it works. First they spend an hour prepping you with drugs. You get Benadryl, anti-nausea medication, MORE steroids and something to protect your stomach. This all takes an hour and it basically put me to sleep. Then they started the Herceptin. They gave that very slowly the first time. It will be a much shorter process after this. Finally, they finish you off with the Taxol, which is the one they were concerned about with the allergic reactions.
Can't tell you how elated I was to watch the time tick by and realize I was feeling fine. The apprehension slowly dissipated and now I have one of twelve of these behind me. The nurse indicated that she felt I would notice a tremendous improvement in how I felt with these treatments compared to the last. Can I hold her to that? :)
Did find out I have developed anemia but not bad enough to need blood at this point.
Now, it's been just over 24 hours since we got home and so far so good. I was still on a steroid high when I got up this morning so woke up early with lots of energy. Must say that energy thing is not so much right now though, but that's OK. So far, no nausea.
Suddenly I am beginning to get a sense of possibly returning to at least a partially normal life and I am so excited. I realize I have to give this a couple more days to see how it goes and I also am painfully aware of that "cumulative effect" factor that starts to play into it all as well. But something tells me it is going to be better than the last couple of months and I am psyched!
I have counted this up and if nothing gets messed up I will complete this second round the week before Brett is awarded his PhD in Denver. My goal is to be able to be there. I WANT to be there so am just praying that everything goes smoothly over the next 11 weeks. No delays. No bends in the tunnel. Just smooth sailing.
That's about all I know.
Later.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Big Day Tomorrow
Where do I begin?
First of all, I spent three hours at the Cancer Center today, just for labs and an exam. It is so tiring! First thing I found out is that somehow the instructions printed on my meds were misinterpreted and not what the doctor intended. I have been taking them for the past three days when I shouldn't have been. They are just to be taken the night before and the morning of. In fact, I just got off the phone with the head nurse who called just to confirm that everything was straightened out. That can't be a particularly good sign.
The MUGA scan. I guess this scan showed that my cardiac function is approximately 10% lower than before I started chemo. This also isn't probably a particularly good sign. I am still in a high enough category to continue, though, so upward and onward. They will recheck again in three months.
So, tomorrow is the day...the first in my next series of treatments and the one that can potentially cause major allergic reactions. I must admit that I am extremely apprehensive about it. I did ask Dr. D. to explain to me one more time just what we are targeting with all of this since two surgeries have apparently removed all signs of cancer. It is the microscopic cells that get left behind. Not tumors...just random cells. Since my type of cancer is so aggressive and so likely to recur, they have no choice but to do this to hopefully kill off any remaining small cells that would be likely to cause problems down the road. He called it a major mopping up. There is no way to test and see if this is happening. I will just have to be monitored for the rest of my life for signs and symptoms and if there is no recurrence...it worked. Not exactly what I wanted to hear either. I would prefer some sort of blood test that said hooray...it worked.
All of this has just kind of been an overload today but rather than let it take over, I came up with the only way I know to make it through what is ahead. I went back and searched my blog archives to find a quote that Pastor John gave me awhile back. "God doesn't give us what we can handle, God helps us handle what we are given." I plan to hold on to that tomorrow and going forward.
Later.
First of all, I spent three hours at the Cancer Center today, just for labs and an exam. It is so tiring! First thing I found out is that somehow the instructions printed on my meds were misinterpreted and not what the doctor intended. I have been taking them for the past three days when I shouldn't have been. They are just to be taken the night before and the morning of. In fact, I just got off the phone with the head nurse who called just to confirm that everything was straightened out. That can't be a particularly good sign.
The MUGA scan. I guess this scan showed that my cardiac function is approximately 10% lower than before I started chemo. This also isn't probably a particularly good sign. I am still in a high enough category to continue, though, so upward and onward. They will recheck again in three months.
So, tomorrow is the day...the first in my next series of treatments and the one that can potentially cause major allergic reactions. I must admit that I am extremely apprehensive about it. I did ask Dr. D. to explain to me one more time just what we are targeting with all of this since two surgeries have apparently removed all signs of cancer. It is the microscopic cells that get left behind. Not tumors...just random cells. Since my type of cancer is so aggressive and so likely to recur, they have no choice but to do this to hopefully kill off any remaining small cells that would be likely to cause problems down the road. He called it a major mopping up. There is no way to test and see if this is happening. I will just have to be monitored for the rest of my life for signs and symptoms and if there is no recurrence...it worked. Not exactly what I wanted to hear either. I would prefer some sort of blood test that said hooray...it worked.
All of this has just kind of been an overload today but rather than let it take over, I came up with the only way I know to make it through what is ahead. I went back and searched my blog archives to find a quote that Pastor John gave me awhile back. "God doesn't give us what we can handle, God helps us handle what we are given." I plan to hold on to that tomorrow and going forward.
Later.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Reflections
Thinking about one of my favorite quotes...had it hanging on the wall in my office for a long time.
"ATTITUDE...a little thing that makes a big difference!"
Time to relax and enjoy the ride for a couple of days.
Later.
"ATTITUDE...a little thing that makes a big difference!"
I would like to add to that...
"The absence of nausea works wonders for a positive attitude."
Later.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Tired Day
Today was Cancer Center day again. I had labs and a nurse consultation. She asked me how I was feeling and I said pretty dragged out. Her response was that she was not surprised since I have no white cells. So...here we go again. I am on "precautions" and preventative antibiotics. They wouldn't even let me wait in the reception area while the doctor reviewed my file and wrote the prescription. I sat in one of the exam rooms because there was less risk of infection. The good news is that I again had a Neulasta shot so that should help turn things around fairly quickly. Without that, I might have had to have a transfusion.
I did get a chance to visit with the nurse about these massive doses of steroids that I will be taking. I am not a pill taker so stuff like this really freaks me out. I saw her grimace when she read the dosage. Those things don't get by me. She said it was quite a hefty dose and the things I would want to be aware of are that I shouldn't take them any later than 4 in the afternoon and always with food. They are apparently very hard on your stomach and my stomach is not on the best terms with meds right now. She said they can make it very difficult for you to sleep so that is why you shouldn't take them late in the day. That is good information to have. My neighbor, who had breast cancer a couple of years ago, also told me that these steroids make you very crabby. I don't want to be crabby. I hope that doesn't happen to me. Please God, don't let me get crabby! My husband has been the most supportive and helpful person ever through all of this and he doesn't deserve crabby, whether I can help it or not.
It's things like this that are already making me very apprehensive about this next round of chemo. I'm sure the fact that I am still nauseous from the last treatment doesn't help, but it just seems to me that putting all this stuff in my stomach could potentially make me feel tremendously, overwhelmingly nauseous and I just can hardly tolerate any more of that. I'm really nervous.
Before that, though, I am scheduled for a MUGA scan next Tuesday at 8:30 at Mercy. That will tell them whether or not the first round of chemo compromised my cardiac function at all. Hopefully not because the Herceptin is known to have the possibility of doing the same thing.
Then, we'll deal with the twelve weeks of the Taxol/Herceptin routine and after that I still have nine months of just the Herceptin. So, I'm really hoping that drug of all of them will be my friend. Day after day of nausea can really make you question things and when I stop to realize that it will be March of 2011 before I finally finish chemo and then I will start radiation I start to wonder and hope and pray that all of this will be worth it. I keep remembering my friend Sharon, diagnosed with breast cancer out of the blue when she went in for pre op testing for knee replacement surgery. That was in the fall of the year. She had breast surgery instead of knee surgery and then chemo but was more fortunate than I with her chemo schedule. She finished chemo in the spring and was cleared to finally have her knee replacement in July. In August, her cancer returned with a vengeance and she passed away in September. I'm not saying that will happen to me. Everyone's cancer diagnosis is different as are their treatments, reactions to treatments, etc. I'm just saying, it does happen and you can't help but think about it. Especially when the side effects are dragging you way down.
For now, looking forward to the possibility of moving past the nausea soon to hopefully have a few good days. Problem is, I have to start taking those darn steroids on Monday. Que sera, sera.
Later.
I did get a chance to visit with the nurse about these massive doses of steroids that I will be taking. I am not a pill taker so stuff like this really freaks me out. I saw her grimace when she read the dosage. Those things don't get by me. She said it was quite a hefty dose and the things I would want to be aware of are that I shouldn't take them any later than 4 in the afternoon and always with food. They are apparently very hard on your stomach and my stomach is not on the best terms with meds right now. She said they can make it very difficult for you to sleep so that is why you shouldn't take them late in the day. That is good information to have. My neighbor, who had breast cancer a couple of years ago, also told me that these steroids make you very crabby. I don't want to be crabby. I hope that doesn't happen to me. Please God, don't let me get crabby! My husband has been the most supportive and helpful person ever through all of this and he doesn't deserve crabby, whether I can help it or not.
It's things like this that are already making me very apprehensive about this next round of chemo. I'm sure the fact that I am still nauseous from the last treatment doesn't help, but it just seems to me that putting all this stuff in my stomach could potentially make me feel tremendously, overwhelmingly nauseous and I just can hardly tolerate any more of that. I'm really nervous.
Before that, though, I am scheduled for a MUGA scan next Tuesday at 8:30 at Mercy. That will tell them whether or not the first round of chemo compromised my cardiac function at all. Hopefully not because the Herceptin is known to have the possibility of doing the same thing.
Then, we'll deal with the twelve weeks of the Taxol/Herceptin routine and after that I still have nine months of just the Herceptin. So, I'm really hoping that drug of all of them will be my friend. Day after day of nausea can really make you question things and when I stop to realize that it will be March of 2011 before I finally finish chemo and then I will start radiation I start to wonder and hope and pray that all of this will be worth it. I keep remembering my friend Sharon, diagnosed with breast cancer out of the blue when she went in for pre op testing for knee replacement surgery. That was in the fall of the year. She had breast surgery instead of knee surgery and then chemo but was more fortunate than I with her chemo schedule. She finished chemo in the spring and was cleared to finally have her knee replacement in July. In August, her cancer returned with a vengeance and she passed away in September. I'm not saying that will happen to me. Everyone's cancer diagnosis is different as are their treatments, reactions to treatments, etc. I'm just saying, it does happen and you can't help but think about it. Especially when the side effects are dragging you way down.
For now, looking forward to the possibility of moving past the nausea soon to hopefully have a few good days. Problem is, I have to start taking those darn steroids on Monday. Que sera, sera.
Later.
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