The Light

What a week this has been. It has passed so quickly but has been so fantastic. It had been a year since we had done anything like this...and what a year.

But, this week, it was like all of that disappeared and it felt like it was behind me. This week, I felt like a normal person rather than a cancer patient. We spent good quality time with family and experienced so many things. For a little more than a week, I had no doctor's appointments. I had no treatments. I had no visits to the Cancer Center. I haven't even worn a head cover the entire time with the exception of

at the wedding. I know that when I get back I do have a doctor's

appointment. I do have to fill a prescription and begin taking a new

medication. I do have to deal with other cancer related issues. But for now, I feel like I have come so far and definitely am finally able to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

We will be leaving here tomorrow but in the meantime will fill our last day with as much as we can cram into it.

Next weekend, Kelli and Brett will be in Sioux City to check out wedding

venues so that will be fun.

And life will get back to normal.

Later.

Breast Cancer Treatment - The Next Step

Remember the reference to Breast Cancer? But Doctor, I Hate Pink the other day. The author is the one who is struggling with the whole gray hair thing. Well, here is another short excerpt from her blog...

Hot flashes


I had 19 the other day.

How do I know? Let's just say there is an iPhone app for everything.

I've been trying to think of a way to describe hot flashes so those of you who have never had one can understand. The best way I can describe them is that you feel like you are blushing lava.

I thought I had experienced them before tamoxifen.

I was wrong.

(end of excerpt)

So what? I'll tell you what. Last Thursday, before I had chemo, I had an exam scheduled with Dr. D. Unfortunately, he was called away and I had to see Dr. Wender instead. He wrote me a prescription for Femara. I knew this was coming and Dr. D. would have done the same thing, but I am just not ready to deal with this. I told Dr. W. plain and simple that I am not excited about starting this medication. He asked why not. WHY NOT? Only a male doctor could ask that question. I told him I had read postings on the Internet and even listened to patients in the June E Nylen waiting room discussing the horrible side effects. I told him someone out in the reception area had said she gets hot flashes every couple of minutes. His reponse? Not everyone gets them every couple of minutes.

Originally I had thought I was going to be prescribed Tamoxifen. Guess they decided on Femara instead. Same difference as far as the side effects go. But I had read in the literature they gave me on Femara that the studies they had done were based on taking it for 2 years. I knew that I had been told that I would take Tamoxifen for 5 so I asked him how long I would have to take Femara. I was hoping for 2. He said usually 5 years but they are currently doing studies on the benefits of taking it for 10 years. TEN YEARS? I told him I am definitely not excited about taking it for 10 years. He said, "you're not excited about alot of things, are you?" I said, apparently not when it comes to this.

But, regardless of how I feel about it, I now have the prescription. I told him I wouldn't be filling it until I got back from Colorado. So, now that our time here is winding down, I'm starting to dwell on the Femara experience ahead of me. I guess it is another one of those things where you could say what's the big deal. At least  you're alive. Well, let me tell you, there are an awfully lot of these things that aren't a big deal in and of themselves, but how much can one experience really alter your life and lifestyle before it just really breaks you?

I'm sure that there have to be a few people out there who are the lucky ones who never experience a side effect from these anti-hormone drugs. Right now, that is what I am praying for. I want to be in that lucky minority. Hot flashes aren't the only side effect by any means, but, like the blog author above, that seems to be the one that troubles people the most. I'm just not ready for that. I'm really not!

Later.

Interesting Place

So, we've been driving around quite a bit and I must admit, Denver is quite the interesting place. I noticed a place selling marijuana and mentioned it. Matt said they are on almost every street corner. It's a huge deal for cancer patients. He volunteered to get me some. I declined. I said I'm not much good at smoking. He laughed and told me you don't have to smoke it. They have it in ice cream, candy, gum...even chap stick. Seriously? Who knew. I still declined. But, it's interesting.

Ethnic areas and restaurants...huge. What a great place for people watching. And, it doesn't get much better than this for experiencing different cuisines.

Like to shop? One of my favorite stores is TJMaxx and they are all over the place. You can hit a different one every day.

Thursday we are going to Vail. We will get to spend a little time with Matt and Sara and soak up an entirely different culture there.

We also attended a wedding and have enjoyed several late night wedding planning sessions. Ken has visited a variety of music stores and I believe will be buying a new twelve string guitar tomorrow.

Loving it!

Later.

This Whole Gray Hair Thing - Part Two

Kelli just sent me this link to one of the headline stories on MSN.com today...

http://glo.msn.com/beauty/10-reasons-to-go-gray-5143.gallery?gt1=49017#stackState=0__%2Fbeauty%2F10-reasons-to-go-gray-5143.gallery%3FphotoId%3D10000001

I guess if MSN can headline this topic, I can certainly spend a little time dwelling on it on my blog. I'm getting curious now. How about a little feedback from everyone. Even if you have never posted a comment on here, let me know your feelings on the subject. Take a moment to read this article on MSN. It won't take long and it may even bring a smile to your face on this fantastic Friday. Apparently this topic is a bigger deal than I even realized.

From colorful Colorado...

Later.

This Whole Gray Hair Thing

There are so many things to deal with when undergoing cancer treatment. Some of them big. Some not so big. Months ago, I had to deal with losing my hair. Talk about a big deal. Now it is just beginning to grow back. Problem? It's growing in gray/white. That is not the "me" I'm used to. Should that be a big deal? Probably not, in the overall scheme of things, but, you know, it kind of is. I have no problem with gray hair on other people. But for whatever reason, I seem to have a major problem with gray hair on me. I see this person in the mirror looking back at me and don't feel comfortable. Now, that said, this seems like a perfect time to give it a try. I can always color it. Right? But once I color it, it is much harder to go back. So, I am in the midst of this mental battle. I KNOW...hair color is not a big deal. I'm alive! But, you know what...when you have gone eight months completely bald...don't you have a right to have your hair look the way you want it? Shouldn't you be able to be comfortable in your own skin?

I had to laugh. I came across this blog the other day and, I swear, much of it could have been written by me.

(excerpt from the blog

Breast Cancer? But Doctor....I hate pink! )

This whole Gray Hair thing ...

Like you all do, I look online for validation of my personal choices. So, after my hair grew in gray, and when I decided not to dye it back immediately, I turned to the web to be sure that I'm still stylish and the fashionista I always used to be.
I found lots of approval. Apparently, gray hair is totally in and the new trend among the hipster set. (And, by hipster, I don't mean anybody who has broken theirs.) Gray is walking the runways and socialites such as Pixie Geldof are embracing the color. Why, even Kelly Osbourne has gray hair now!

And they have to pay! I get mine for free!

There is quite the gray movement going on, including on a fantastic website called Going Gray, Looking Great, with stories of women who have actually chosen to let their natural hair color grow out, which they call transitioning.

They didn't do it the easy way, like I did.

Looking at pictures like these, I am assured that I am right in trend:

There are beautiful names for our hair. We are silver, or icicle gray, or snowey-tipped, or sparkling pewter. Lovely sounds, all. And yet, each time I am walking down the street or in a mall and catch a glimpse of myself in a reflection, I don't recognize myself. "Who is that old lady?" And when I look around the streets to see other women with my hair color, I am not seeing the Kelly Osbournes out there. I mostly see this:

Cancer has taken a breast, eighteen months of my time, my energy and strength. And, the other day, it took my confidence and thus, a job I really wanted.

I actually like my icicle/snow/pewter hair. But, if it is going to become emblematic of my cancer experience and shake my confidence when people notice it - and it's only natural that they will - then it's going to have to go.

I'm still not "cancer girl" and never hope to be. But, I'm not the old me either, and now I know I never will be again. For now, acceptance of the changes cancer brought is something I realize I'm going to have to work on. Needless to say, I am conflicted.

(end of excerpt)

Me too. In the meantime, chemo tomorrow. Then Colorado.
Later.

Making Progress

Sorry to be so slow in posting this week. It has been very busy and hectic but the thing I noticed through all of that is that I am starting to be able to handle busy and hectic again. I am able to work more days and more hours per day. And, most of the time, I feel pretty good. I have my bad days as well. Sometimes even feel like I need to go back on anti-nausea meds. But those days are fewer and farther between. We're even hosting our grandaughter and one of her friends this week-end. So nice to have the energy to do that again.

Just read an update on George Karl's condition. If you recall I posted an entry about the Denver Nuggets Coach and his struggle with radiation awhile back. Since he went through all of that, he also developed blood clots as a result of his treatments. However, as of a couple of days ago...(from his blog)

"A lot has happened this past month for George first of all honored by Hoops for St. Jude being presented the George Karl Award for Courage in Sport and also honored at the ESPY's receiving the Jimmy V award for Perseverance, both awards being very deserving. Besides the awards he has had a successful tube removal on July 20 being able to get all of his nutrition through the mouth. He is experimenting with many different types of foods to see what works and what doesn't! It seems that soup and salads have worked for him in the last couple of weeks. The most important news is that George received his Pet Scan on Monday and was told by the doctors that he had a beautiful response to the primary site and the lump in the lymph node from the treatment plan. The next Pet Scan will be in four months and the recovery of his voice, taste and mucus is a work in progress but its getting better on a weekly basis. He is going on vacation for a couple of weeks and is looking forward to start coaching in September!"

He now considers himself a survivor. Remember my references to Lance Armstrong? It has been awhile since he fought the cancer battle but he is a walking, talking, riding and smiling testimony that cancer can be beaten.


Like Karl, I am planning a vacation as well. And, Lord willing, at the end of it I will be ready to increase my work schedule to the closest thing to full time that I have been able to muster since last November. First, I will have chemo day on Thursday, after which we will leave for a wedding in Denver and then spend some time with family before returning home the following week-end. And, speaking of the Cancer Center, I just found out that one of my friends will be spending the day there on Thursday as well, so hopefully I will have a chance to visit with her. She is just beginning her treatment schedule but time will pass and she will one day join the ranks of those of us who are beginning to feel like survivors. There was a time when I couldn't imagine reaching the point where I could say that but I am starting to feel like a survivor. Life is good!

Later.

Sunshine After the Rain

It's raining and storming and going crazy outside...limbs all over the place, but I know that, as always, the sunshine will follow the rain. I was so down on Friday about losing my wedding rings after 40 years. However, who knew the strange twist that would make me smile.

Kelli and Brett are vacationing in Cabo right now and last night they got engaged. So, the same week-end that I lost my ring, she got hers. We are so thrilled for them and so excited. Life is good!

Later.

I HATE Chemo

I don't whine about this very often but today I'm whining. No, actually, crying would be more accurate. Here's what happened.

If you read my post from a couple of days ago, you know that I had a severe allergic reaction to some bug bites, presumably from the chemo drugs in my system.

This morning, we went out walking again and my ring finger started to itch. I never saw or felt a bug bite me but it obviously did. My finger started swelling and I knew I would have to get my rings off but they were so tight it was going to require some soap. I kept walking faster and faster wanting to get home but it swelled faster than I could walk. As soon as I got home, Ken had me soak it in ice water. I also covered it with soap but I couldn't begin to get it off. By that time, the finger was so swollen I couldn't even bend it. And VERY painful. Ken called our family doctor and he said to get to the emergency room. So at 7 am we were on our way to Mercy.

They got me right in and it wasn't long before I saw a doctor. He looked at it and said they have several tricks they can usually use to coax rings off but he could tell by looking at it that it was too swollen for that. So, that meant they would have to saw my rings off. The nurse tried a manual saw first but that wouldn't go through. They were actually thin bands but apparently very strong. So, then she came in with a drill that had a saw on the end of it. They had to get a piece between the ring and the finger, obviously, so that they wouldn't saw through the finger. So, that made it even tighter and so painful I couldn't stand it. That is where the crying came in. But, the motorized version wouldn't work either. So they went back to the manual saw. By this time, there were three nurses and a doctor in there. One very sensitive nurse kept telling the one with the saw to let me take a break because it was so painful but the one with the saw felt she was making progress and wanted to keep going. Finally she got through. Of course, it still wouldn't come off so they had to get some other tools and bend them to get them off.

Once done, they brought in an ice bag and wanted me to ice it for awhile to make sure the swelling started to dissipate. It went down a little so they said I could go but I should take the day off and just ice the finger and take Benedryl. I compromised by taking Benedryl and going to work but taking the ice pack with me. The swelling has gone down to where I can now bend the finger but it is still very red, painful and I think there may be a permanent indentation where my ring was.

In the meantime, another bite on my right elbow has swelled to almost saucer size. But at least I don't have a ring choking my arm.

I feel so bad about the rings. I know that many people upgrade their original rings over the years to get bigger and better. But I have never wanted to do that. I just wanted my original rings. Ken thinks that it may be possible that a jeweler can fix them. I suggested that maybe they could make them a little bigger in the process to accommodate for the swelling that I sometimes have. He said they would have to make them fit around my neck to accommodate the swelling I had today. Have to keep your sense of humor, right?

Later.

New Routine

Our plan was to replace my early morning radiation appointments with early morning walks to try to begin building up my muscles which have basically totally atrophied during the whole chemo/radiation process. We would continue getting up at 6:30 but instead of going to the Cancer Center, we would go out and walk. Monday morning the alarm went off and what do I hear? THUNDER. Yep, another rainy day so decided to put off the exercise routine for a day.

This morning the alarm went off...no thunder...no sound of rain on the window. Yep. We were good to go. We got dressed, put on a pot of coffee and took off. After several blocks we both realized that we were being attacked by bugs. Mosquitoes? Gnats? Don't know. I could feel it but not really see it. However, we were determined to keep going. We walked a little over a mile before giving up. By the time I sat down to have a cup of coffee I was about going balistic from the bites. The reaction continued to escalate during the course of the morning. Many of them turned bright red. People thought they looked more like burns than insect bites. And several swelled to the size of saucers.

So, here's the deal. I had been told by someone awhile back that while she was on chemo and ever since ( which has been many years) she was never bothered by bugs. They just don't bite her. In researching this on the Internet, this is truly what many people do experience. Basically, an immunity to bug bites. At the other end of the spectrum, some experience the exact opposite. They are barely able to go outside in the summer because they are immediately attacked by insects and not only that, they experience a severe allergic reaction to the bites. So can you guess which side of this equation I have apparently landed on? Doesn't that just stand to reason?

I was practically sick by the time I left work today. I covered myself in Hydrocortison Cream when I got home and that does seem to have helped but not sure I really want to go out and walk tomorrow. Will have to see how I feel in the morning.

Later.