Guess what I did at 7:20 this morning. I went to the Cancer Center and completed my 11th radiation treatment. So what? I will have 33 treatments total. SO...I am now officially 1/3 of the way through radiation.
That got me thinking about how far I've actually come. It was October 22 when I was diagnosed. Since then, I've had sonograms, x-rays, biopsies, two surgeries, completed rounds one and two of chemo, had dozens and dozens of appointments with at least nine different doctors, had my blood drawn more times than I can count, had CT scans, PET scans, MUGA scans and more. It's mindboggling just how much has happened in the past 8 months. I can remember when I had all of that ahead of me and how overwhelming it felt. But I made it. Still have a quite a bit to go, but nothing like what is now behind me.
Yes...I believe I do see a hint of light.
Later.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Sunday, June 27, 2010
It's Not About the Bike
Huh? Anyone who knows me very well knows I don't even ride a bike. Used to. But haven't since the kids were little and we would strap them on the back and take off down Morningside Ave. It's about the book...Lance Armstrong's book. Matt gave it to me to read awhile back and I just finished it last night. I really like it and will probably refer to it more than once.
What I have been thinking about this morning is something he said toward the very end of the book. "Given a choice between cancer and winning the Tour de France, I would choose the cancer." Why did he say that? Because battling cancer is such a learning experience. He believes that he would have never won the Tour de France had it not been for what he learned about himself and about what it really means to fight while battling for his life.
I guess I started talking about this a little bit last time. Now actually, Lance Armstrong came to this conclusion after he had finished treatment and been declared cancer free. I am not yet finished with treatment. But I still understand. I will never again be the person I was prior to being diagnosed with cancer. It changes you and it changes your life forever. You learn what kind of strength you really have...or, maybe in some cases, don't have. You learn how to prioritize and to focus. I am just starting to look ahead, even though I have nine months of treatment remaining...well, actually, 5 years but hopefully while on oral medication I won't even feel like I am still in treatment. I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. And I am starting to wonder what that light holds for me. It's been eight months since I was diagnosed. There were times when I doubted that I would beat this. And, there are still times when the realization that a recurrence is very possible is overwhelming. But, all in all, I feel that I do have a life ahead, however long it may be, and I want to make the most of it. So, while I continue the fight, I am also searching. All of a sudden I feel like that song I woke up thinking about so many months ago has dual meaning.
"There's a light at the end of this tunnel, shining bright at the end of this tunnel...for you, for you."
The constant battle with and focus on cancer will eventually come to an end. That is what the song was intially promising me. But there is something else waiting for me too. I feel it. I may have cancer, but I am truly blessed.
Later.
What I have been thinking about this morning is something he said toward the very end of the book. "Given a choice between cancer and winning the Tour de France, I would choose the cancer." Why did he say that? Because battling cancer is such a learning experience. He believes that he would have never won the Tour de France had it not been for what he learned about himself and about what it really means to fight while battling for his life.
I guess I started talking about this a little bit last time. Now actually, Lance Armstrong came to this conclusion after he had finished treatment and been declared cancer free. I am not yet finished with treatment. But I still understand. I will never again be the person I was prior to being diagnosed with cancer. It changes you and it changes your life forever. You learn what kind of strength you really have...or, maybe in some cases, don't have. You learn how to prioritize and to focus. I am just starting to look ahead, even though I have nine months of treatment remaining...well, actually, 5 years but hopefully while on oral medication I won't even feel like I am still in treatment. I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. And I am starting to wonder what that light holds for me. It's been eight months since I was diagnosed. There were times when I doubted that I would beat this. And, there are still times when the realization that a recurrence is very possible is overwhelming. But, all in all, I feel that I do have a life ahead, however long it may be, and I want to make the most of it. So, while I continue the fight, I am also searching. All of a sudden I feel like that song I woke up thinking about so many months ago has dual meaning.
"There's a light at the end of this tunnel, shining bright at the end of this tunnel...for you, for you."
The constant battle with and focus on cancer will eventually come to an end. That is what the song was intially promising me. But there is something else waiting for me too. I feel it. I may have cancer, but I am truly blessed.
Later.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
I Walk the Line
Don't know what made me think of that crazy song...guess just because I reread my last post to help me decide what to write today and it kind of went with it. Anyway, this was a different week for me. Radiation every day but no chemo. I also put in my fullest work week since before I started chemo. That is a double edged sword. Physically, I am absolutely exhausted tonight. Mentally, I finally feel like maybe I am useful again. Granted, I have been working from home when not in the office through most of this time, but it's just not the same as "being there."
Radiation? What can I say? It is what it is. I still don't like it. However, the people are wonderful. So helpful, understanding and pleasant. I met an old friend there too, waiting to begin radiation for breast cancer. I hadn't seen her for years. She is fortunate in that she does not have to go through chemo as well. But, being fairly new to the Cancer Center life, she was somewhat apprehensive and I have been able to visit with her on several occasions. Apparently, it has helped because one of the radiation techs mentioned how helpful it was to her to have me to talk to. That's good. It is my goal at some point to put this whole nightmare experience to good use by helping others who are forced to go through it. Not sure how I will do that, but hopefully I will find a way.
It tears me up sometimes to think about all the people out there who are battling cancer of one sort or another. And battle it is. So many of them are really good people. People who have lived good lives and tried to focus on healthy lifestyles. Then this comes along and slaps them in the face. This was brought home to me once again today. But, that is not my story to tell. I just know that I want to help if I can.
No chemo this week. It is a strange feeling. I spent so long going in for chemo every week that it's almost like something is missing now. (NOTE: I didn't say I MISS it...I said it feels like something is missing. There's a difference.)
I have had numerous requests to resume writing more regularly. I will try my best. Thanks all for hanging in there with me.
Later.
Radiation? What can I say? It is what it is. I still don't like it. However, the people are wonderful. So helpful, understanding and pleasant. I met an old friend there too, waiting to begin radiation for breast cancer. I hadn't seen her for years. She is fortunate in that she does not have to go through chemo as well. But, being fairly new to the Cancer Center life, she was somewhat apprehensive and I have been able to visit with her on several occasions. Apparently, it has helped because one of the radiation techs mentioned how helpful it was to her to have me to talk to. That's good. It is my goal at some point to put this whole nightmare experience to good use by helping others who are forced to go through it. Not sure how I will do that, but hopefully I will find a way.
It tears me up sometimes to think about all the people out there who are battling cancer of one sort or another. And battle it is. So many of them are really good people. People who have lived good lives and tried to focus on healthy lifestyles. Then this comes along and slaps them in the face. This was brought home to me once again today. But, that is not my story to tell. I just know that I want to help if I can.
No chemo this week. It is a strange feeling. I spent so long going in for chemo every week that it's almost like something is missing now. (NOTE: I didn't say I MISS it...I said it feels like something is missing. There's a difference.)
I have had numerous requests to resume writing more regularly. I will try my best. Thanks all for hanging in there with me.
Later.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Still Staying on That Line
I remember posting awhile back about staying on the line (a takeoff on that Fidelity commercial). That was good advice then and it is certainly what I am doing now. Things are different than they were a couple of weeks ago. I had several weeks off from all treatment though I still had many scans, consultations, etc. Now, I'm back on treatments but it is a whole different ballgame than it was before. The line has taken a different direction. Chemo is every three weeks instead of every week. It is one drug, not two. But they've thrown radiation in there just in case I thought I might have withdrawal symptoms from not going to the Cancer Center enough. Radiation is every week day for seven weeks. Actually, 33 treatments because I started on Tuesday this week and July 5 is a holiday. I really dislike the radiation. Don't know why, exactly. It doesn't hurt. Not yet, anyway. They tell me that it will gradually start burning the skin. The treatments go quickly. But I really don't like it. Maybe because it is such an intrusion in my life to do it every day. Maybe because it is such an intrusion to your body. I don't know. These seven weeks cannot pass fast enough for me.
Today I saw the doctor and had chemo. My white counts had gone down a little more since last week, even though I had no treatment in between. He will continue to monitor that. Most people don't need the shots while on this chemo drug. Hope I'm not going to end up being the exception to the rule. He had the results of my MUGA scan. I was actually up one point from last time on my heart function so the drug apparently has done no damage yet. That is good news. I think they will recheck again in three more months. If that's the case, I could end up having at least three more of those scans.
For now...it is just a matter of staying on the line and going through the remaining treatments. He mentioned today that he would probably start the hormone treatments as soon as I finish radiation. STAY ON THE LINE! They have a plan and you just trust that they know what is best. I am so tired right now. It is hard to do your best to resume your normal life while you're still living with cancer. It's very real to me, but not so much to many around me anymore. In spite of appearances, it really takes a lot out of you.
Well, have to be at the Cancer Center a little after seven tomorrow so as I always say, upward and onward.
Later
Today I saw the doctor and had chemo. My white counts had gone down a little more since last week, even though I had no treatment in between. He will continue to monitor that. Most people don't need the shots while on this chemo drug. Hope I'm not going to end up being the exception to the rule. He had the results of my MUGA scan. I was actually up one point from last time on my heart function so the drug apparently has done no damage yet. That is good news. I think they will recheck again in three more months. If that's the case, I could end up having at least three more of those scans.
For now...it is just a matter of staying on the line and going through the remaining treatments. He mentioned today that he would probably start the hormone treatments as soon as I finish radiation. STAY ON THE LINE! They have a plan and you just trust that they know what is best. I am so tired right now. It is hard to do your best to resume your normal life while you're still living with cancer. It's very real to me, but not so much to many around me anymore. In spite of appearances, it really takes a lot out of you.
Well, have to be at the Cancer Center a little after seven tomorrow so as I always say, upward and onward.
Later
Saturday, June 12, 2010
A New Adventure
What a busy week. Tuesday I had my third MUGA scan. Won't know the results until I see the doctor on the 17th. On Thursday morning, I had a consultation with my radiation oncologist and Thursday afternoon I had labs and a nurse evaluation. My white count had gone from astonomically high to slightly low. Go figure. The biggest problem I'm having right now is that my feet and legs started swelling a little over a week ago and I haven't been able to get it to go down. Usually I can just push water for a few days and get rid of it but not this time. It could be a delayed effect from the last chemo treatment or it could be a heart issue. Guess if it is still a problem next Thursday when I see the doctor I will know more. On Friday I had a CT scan and got my radiation tattoos. I will have my first of 33 radiation treatments this coming Tuesday and Thursday I will have chemo as well. Guess I have another full week ahead of me and it will be that way through July. Upward and onward.
Later.
Later.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Dr. Werner I Presume...
We made it. Drove out to Denver to help celebrate Brett's fantastic accomplishment of earning his Ph.D. What a great time. Actually was able to put cancer behind me for a few days and just enjoy the ceremonies and celebrations. Busy, busy, but so much fun. Matt and Sara spent the weekend with Kelli and Brett as well so were able to spend time with everyone. Time was short and very packed with graduation activities so did not have the opportunity to see Sue and Ron's new condo or Matt and Sara's new abode. Will just have to try to plan a little longer trip later in the summer. For now, we're back home and it's back to reality.
Tuesday morning at 7:30 am I will check into Mercy for a MUGA scan. For those of you who don't know what that is, in a nutshell, they start an IV and take out some blood which they then mix with some sort of radioactive substance and inject it back into you. Then, you lie down and they take photos of your heart to see how it is pumping and functioning.
Thursday morning, I have a two hour radiation consultation to find out about the process, how that is going to work and when they will do it. That afternoon, more blood work and another consultation. A week from Thursday I will begin my third round of chemo.
Yes, it's back to reality and back to the Cancer Center. Upward and onward.
Later.
Tuesday morning at 7:30 am I will check into Mercy for a MUGA scan. For those of you who don't know what that is, in a nutshell, they start an IV and take out some blood which they then mix with some sort of radioactive substance and inject it back into you. Then, you lie down and they take photos of your heart to see how it is pumping and functioning.
Thursday morning, I have a two hour radiation consultation to find out about the process, how that is going to work and when they will do it. That afternoon, more blood work and another consultation. A week from Thursday I will begin my third round of chemo.
Yes, it's back to reality and back to the Cancer Center. Upward and onward.
Later.
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