Happy New Year

What a rush of emotion as 2010 grinds to a close. Isn't it crazy how the passage of time changes appearance so greatly, depending on which end of the spectrum you're viewing it through. This time last year,  I couldn't even imagine seeing the end of all this. Now, looking back at it, it somehow doesn't look nearly as foreboding as it did when looking ahead.

Oh, don't get me wrong...it has definitely been a long, difficult year...but, it is amazing how we can make our way through something if we just take one day at a time. You get up in the morning and ask for the strength to get through that day. Then, you put one foot in front of the other and move through it.

We all, on New Years Eve, tend to look back at the year behind us, but I have never been so overwhelmed by the scope of a year as I am by this one. There was plenty of negative, plenty of pain, plenty of scary, but also plenty of positive and plenty of just comfortably good experiences as well. I discovered a strength I never realized I had. I discovered a closeness of family and friends that I had never taken the time to enjoy. And, I experienced a realignment of priorities which I expect to last through the remainder of my life. I have an acceptance of who I am and a comfort in my own skin that I don't believe I've ever had before. So, as I toast the end of 2010 tonight, it will certainly be with a sigh of relief and a measure of joy, but it will not be with any kind of hard or negative feelings. Yes, 2010 will always be the year that was colored by cancer, but it was a year that was good to me on so many levels as well.

After all, I remember one year ago, refusing to go to bed before midnight no matter how tired I felt, just in case it ended up being my last New Years Eve. I wanted to experience it to the fullest. But, here I am, preparing to toast another new year, and all the better for my experiences of the last.

Hope you're all having a safe, sane and happy New Year's Eve and that 2011 brings you the best of everything. Happy New Year everyone!

Later.

The Gift

And just like that...the house is empty. Just the two of us rattling around. But it was wonderful and now we have the memories to take us back whenever we choose to revisit the holiday.

I have to tell you this story. I don't believe I have ever, in my entire life, received a gift that made me cry...until this year. If you are a regular reader, you may remember that last summer I had a volatile reaction to a bug bite and ended up in the emergency room having my wedding rings cut off. They were MANGLED, totally, and when I brought them home I tossed them in a bowl and basically forgot about them. I had trouble believing that they could ever be repaired. But, Ken took them to a jeweler who put them back together and you honestly cannot tell that they were ever cut. He wrapped them up and gave them to me for Christmas. I literally cried when I opened it. I can't believe I have them back. I wore those rings for 40 years and it was devasting to me when I thought they were destroyed. Now, I just have to get them sized and they will once again be back on my finger.

My white counts got the best of me over the weekend. I had been working around rampant viruses for several weeks so was not really surprised when, on Christmas Eve, I myself came down with it. I didn't feel well on Christmas Eve but felt even worse on Christmas Day. Fortunately I have learned to roll with these types of things over the past year so was able to just defer to my wonderful family to take care of things so I was able to just sit back and enjoy. Feel a bit better today but have a wracking cough.

Didn't address the results of my cancer center appointment the other day because I just wanted to focus on Christmas. Now, I have to face the fact that due to an additional weight loss Dr. D. is moving forward with ordering several additional diagnostic tests this week and has contacted Dr. Hartje to schedule a colonoscopy as soon as possible. I got on the scale yesterday after being so sick for several days, assuming I had probably lost a couple more but was blown away to discover that I was down nine pounds since my appointment on Thursday. High on my list - gain that weight back before Dr. D. finds out. He is also scheduling a MUGA scan to check again on my heart function. Guess it's all back to reality now. My reality, anyway.

But, as I said, when things start getting tough, I can always transport myself back to Christmas, 2010, with the whole family sitting together in our living room. Like my ring, the circle was not broken this year. I will treasure that forever.

Later.

Living With Cancer - Christmas

Today was the day - another treatment at the Cancer Center. Kelli went with me, just as she did one year ago when I had my first treatment. In honor of the holiday and my one year treatment anniversary, I took plates full of Christmas goodies to share with Dr. D. and the wonderful Cancer Center staff. (Thanks to Mums Kitchen - a big shout out to Marilyn Clifford for providing me with the cookies to share). It was so crowded and had such a long wait. We were there for 5 hours. Guess cancer doesn't take a holiday break.

As they "plugged me in" to my drugs, I closed my eyes and leaned back in my heated recliner (that's right, I said heated. They've always offered you warmed blankets which are awesome, but they cool down really quickly. Recently they got all new heated recliners in the chemo circle - a godsend for people like me who are always freezing). I heard a train whistle - something I've heard so many times in the past year since it runs right outside the window of the chemo room - and it brought to mind just how much a part of my life the Cancer Center and Cancer have become. I have watched a full circle of changing seasons through that window. The big Christmas snow storm was just rearing its ugly head when I received my first infusion last December and the snow stayed piled up outside that window for months to come. What a relief it was to finally see the trees and flowers bud and bloom when spring arrived, followed by the heat and vivid colors of summer. They really do a great job of landscaping around that building. Then, seems like just the other day I sat there watching the leaves fall from the trees, lamenting the fact that the snow and cold could not be far behind. And, here it is - and, so am I. Still hooked up to an infusion pump and still staring out the same window. This is my life now and I have learned over the many months how to live with it. But, it doesn't define who I am.

When my treatment ended and I got up from my warm recliner, I thought about that and I thought about Christmas and I thought about writing a poem. I do that occasionally (one of those little known facts about Cathy Stueve).

Life With Cancer - Christmas

How determined the days have passed...

some painful, some blessed, some a blur.

Methodically reckoned, the seasons of life

come full circle and thus reassure.

It's Christmas again. One full year of my life

has been spent looking out through this glass.

Each phase of the treatment, with it's challenge and strife

summoned promise that this too shall pass.

Now, with so much behind me, I've come to reflect

on how this has affected and changed me.

As with Christmas it's not just the outward effect,

but the spirit, the essence abstrusely.

The lights, the gifts, trees - all are symbols of Christmas.

But, is that the soul of the season?

Or, is there a message, an abstract description

of a much more significant reason?

It's the joy, it's the love, it's the peace and the promise...

the road map for how we should live.

Not the outwardly marketed glitz - yes, it's fun...

just as long as it's kept in perspective.

It's the same with my new life - it's how I am viewed.

Some see just my hair or my size.

But, there's so much more. It's my spirit renewed.

Like the meaning of Christmas implies.

I'm joyful, I'm thankful, I laugh and I love

I'm not just breast cancer defined.

I've found hope, I've found peace, I've found light from above.

The old me is now left behind.

It will soon be a new year and I pray that it will be a good one - for me and for all of you. Thanks for being there for me during this long year. Have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Later.

Blogiversary?

Is there such a thing?

Well, I have officially now been blogging for one year. I set it up and began blogging as I prepared to begin my long chemo journey. My first treatment was on 12/22/09 and I was scared to death. I had watched my Dad suffer through chemo years ago and it was my fervent hope that I would never have to go through that. But, in life, we play the hand we're dealt, and, as it turned out, that was to be mine. It is probably a good thing that, at that point, I had no idea what all 2010 would hold. It was enough to just put one foot in front of the other and take care of whatever that day would bring. Anything more would have been information overload. I think about all the bends in that tunnel that I have made my way through and wonder if the Christmas lights in front of me could possibly be the first real glimpse of light at the end of that tunnel.

I think about those I know who are either just beginning their cancer journey or are in the midst of trying to feel their way through those devastating bends in the tunnel...the uncertainty, the agonizing waits for test results and information, questions regarding treatment options. My heart goes out to them at any time but especially at Christmas.

I have labs, exam and treatment on Thursday and then plan to put cancer behind me for a few days and enjoy the holiday. Will try to post briefly on Thursday.

Later.

Christmas Miracle

The forecast for the mountains of Colorado..

URGENT - WINTER WEATHER MESSAGE


NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE GRAND JUNCTION CO

128 PM MST MON DEC 20 2010

...MAJOR WINTER STORM WILL BRING VERY HEAVY HEAVY SNOWFALL TO

EASTERN UTAH AND WESTERN COLORADO ABOVE 9000 FEET THROUGH

THURSDAY...

HEAVY SNOWFALL OF EPIC PROPORTIONS WILL CONTINUE AND PROJECTIONS

INDICATE THAT THE STORM WILL LAST THROUGH THURSDAY.
POTENTIAL IMPACTS INCLUDE EXTENDED PERIODS OF ROAD CLOSURES...

INCLUDING PRIMARY AND SECONDARY ROADS.
ACCUMULATIONS  MAY REACH AS HIGH AS 6 TO 8 FEET BY THURSDAY AFTERNOON.

Looks like we may need a Christmas miracle to get the entire family together for Christmas this year.

Later.

Life in the Christmas Lane

Wow...what a full week-end...full of Christmas activities.

Started out with our company Christmas Party on Friday evening. It was very nice and we had a great time. It was especially meaningful to me because last year I was just beginning my chemo journey and didn't attend. That was the only one I had missed in 22 years.

Saturday I really wanted to tick a bunch of things off my "Getting Ready" list. I didn't accomplish all that I had hoped, but I didn't let it bother me or stress me out. I just did the best I could with the energy I had. I did venture out to the Mall...bad decision for someone whose tank is running on empty. What a lot of energy that took. But, it really didn't bother me. I just remembered that last year I was unable to do it at all and tried to "enjoy" the experience. Then, I got started on my wrapping. That is always such a big job but one that I have always enjoyed. Love finding the perfect wrap and the ribbon that looks good with it. I'm big on color schemes so that everything looks awesome sitting under the tree. This year I'm doing teal and silver to match the room decor. It's metallic and looks very festive.

I wanted to get some cookies made but ran out of time and energy. Ken did make one batch and also took care of mundane things like laundry so I could focus on holiday stuff.

This morning I had to drag myself out of bed I was so tired. But, I had decided that no matter how tired I was and how much I felt I had to do, I wanted to go to church. It was the Sunday School Christmas program. I went and was really glad I did. A big shoutout to my nephew Drew. You did a fabulous job on your solo young man. I was so proud of you. And, of course, Emma was "the bomb" as usual. Looked beautiful as ever and did such a great job. Seems like just yesterday that our kids were in that group wearing some of those same costumes.

Pastor John, in his message today, reminded people that they need to pause the busy treadmill of life and once again take the time to see Christmas through the eyes of a child. (Actually, that is a paraphrase, not his exact words - can't remember exactly how he said it but you get the idea. Sorry, John. Hope I didn't butcher it too badly.)  Great advice.

After church, I made dinner for Michelle and the grandkids and then went out to East for my grandsons basketball game.  Came home and did a little more wrapping and finished off the busy weekend with a drive through the Living Nativity. A truly jam packed weekend...for me, anyway, but very satisfying. Just a few more days and the kids will be here.

Chemo on Thursday. I guess he has ordered several new blood workups for that day as well so, hopefully, I will "pass" those tests. Hoping my white counts have gone back up. We'll see.

Enjoy the rest of these days leading up to Christmas. My wish for all of you is a very blessed Christmas and a wonderful New Year.

Ready For the Kids!

Finally did it yesterday. Ken had dragged the tree up from the basement a week ago and it was still setting, undecorated, in the living room as of yesterday morning. But, the big blizzard must have motivated me. It took basically the entire day, but I did get the tree decorated and the two of us put up the rest of the decorations. It looks awesome. Just had to share some pics.

But, it really makes me pensive as well. In some ways, Christmas 2009 seems like a big blur. In other ways, it is amazingly etched in my mind. The thing I remember most is wondering if it would be my last Christmas on earth and wanting to make it unforgettable in case it was. Now...before you start telling me to stop thinking like that, I just have to say, why not think like that? Do any of us really know which Christmas may be our last? Of course not. It's just that when you are newly diagnosed with cancer, you are more likely to consider that possibility. My dad was diagnosed with cancer just before Christmas, 1994. He passed away in August of 1995. That had turned out to be his last Christmas. Did Elizabeth Edwards wonder last Christmas if she would see another? Her memorial service was held yesterday...just weeks before Christmas.

So, I'm all about celebrating Christmas and all of life's other milestones as if it is my last. And, when it turns out that it wasn't my last...I'll celebrate that too. I am SO happy to be looking forward to Christmas with all of my kids here. Last Christmas I had to take anti-nausea meds every couple of hours just to keep from getting sick. Last Christmas I was unable to attend Christmas Eve services for the first time that I remember. As it turned out, there was a major blizzard and Christmas Eve services were cancelled. For whatever reason, it made it easier knowing that no one else was able to go either.

But, in spite of everything, Kelli and Brett were here, Michelle and the grandkids, Ken and I and we had a great Christmas. We really did. But, this year we are looking forward to having Matt and Sara here as well. And, I'm not sick. And, the house now looks festive. And the shopping? Well, it will get done.

 

Christmas is coming and so is the family. Bring it on!

Later.

Back to Realty!!

Received an email the other day from the dietician at the Cancer Center. It was information on an exercise class for Cancer patients. I need this. However, not sure I want to make the commitment.

Hmmm.  In the past year, I have completely lost all muscle tone. I have no strength whatsoever. I remember one day carrying groceries in after shopping and almost falling backwards going up two deck steps carrying several bags into the house. Couldn't support the weight.

I've been told that taking this class would help stimulate my appetite and help to deal with my weight loss issue.

Understand all that.

Believe all that.

Want to do it.

However... it is two days a week during the heart of winter. I have a HUGE issue committing to anything other than attempting to work full time, because I don't have the energy...I don't have the strength...I don't have the stamina. AND, I hate going out in the cold.  So...I don't commit.

Therefore, as much as I realize I need this class and as much as I would like to do it, I have been sitting on the fence. But, I just happened to catch a comment from Jane Fonda on TV late this afternoon that pretty much pushed me over the edge. I think I am going to commit.

The class starts on January 10 and it starts with a fitness evaluation (oh, great). They tell you to show up in exercise clothes and bring a water bottle. Well, I can handle the water bottle...

I have replaced my work wardrobe three times in recent history, but haven't given much thought to my exercise clothes. :) We'll see.

Later.

Elizabeth Edwards

I admit that last night when I heard the news that Elizabeth Edwards treatments were no longer working and had been discontinued, I was devastated. I hadn't heard any news of her for awhile so was unaware that she was losing the battle. Today, she passed away.

What a blow. She was a fighter and had incredible determination. I remember, several years ago, when they announced that her cancer had returned and was uncurable but would be manageable with treatment. For whatever reason, I took that to mean that she would live a long life but would have to undergo treatments to keep it in check. That was such a short time ago and too soon she's gone. It's a tough pill to swallow.

Yesterday she posted this message on her Facebook page...

“I have been sustained throughout my life by three saving graces -- my family, my friends, and a faith in the power of resilience and hope. These graces have carried me through difficult times and they have brought more joy to the good times than I ever could have imagined. The days of our lives, for all of us, are numbered. We know that.”

Yes we do.

They are sellling shirts at the Cancer Center right now with the "Fight like a Girl" logo. Elizabeth Edwards did just that. Rest in peace Elizabeth.

Later.

Home at Last

Wow. The Cancer Center was SOOO busy today. I was there for over four hours and then took a couple more to sleep it off when I got home. Just beginning to feel a little more like myself.

Interesting beginning...when I checked in and picked up my lab orders, I found out that my first order of business was to be a chest x-ray. Who knew? Not me. I guess that was just one more diagnostic procedure to attempt to unearth the reason for the unexplained weight loss. Was down a few more today. Dr. D. said the x-ray looked pretty good, though. He is becoming slightly concerned about the continuing low white counts, however. I guess that typically is not the case with the drug that I am currently on. He says we will continue to monitor it and if the numbers continue to stay down or go down further, we may need to do a bone marrow. Somehow, I don't think that is an experience I want to add to my resume.

Tweeted from my Blackberry a couple of times while I was there, just as a diversion. Here is one of them...
"Just had my blood drawn. When they flush your port the smell and taste are AWFUL! Tip: If you forget your mints, don't breathe or swallow. It helps." You're limited to 140 characters in your tweets so that is an interesting challenge.

Ken shot this photo of me just chillin during chemo. It is quite literally the only photo on record of me and my chemo experience.

No major diagnostics scheduled for this month so that is a really good thing. My next infusion is scheduled for 12/23. That is back to Thursday but, in this case, is a good thing, because I really wasn't looking forward to having chemo on Christmas Eve. Interestingly enough, that will be one year, almost to the day, after my very first chemo treatment. It was 12/22/09. What a lot has happened in that year!

Later.

Twitter

I now have a new outlet.

I have been tweeting for United Real Estate Solutions for several months now. I finally decided that I wanted to open a personal Twitter account as well. Unlike many others out there, I won't be trying to solve the problems of the world. I won't even be providing commentary on those problems. Nothing political. Nothing on the state of the economy. I'll leave those topics to the experts and the wanna be's.

My conversations will be random. I'm excited about this. It won't be just about life with cancer. But, there is no escaping the fact that my life is life with cancer. At least for now. So, that will probably always be reflected in my tweets. But it will be more about lifes ups and downs, lifes challenges, lifes joys, lifes sorrows, lifes good, bad and ugly. And, mostly it will be random. It will give me a chance to express those thoughts that may be worth sharing but are not worth the generation of an entire blog post.

Think about it...it's like getting an opportunity to color without having to stay within the lines. It's a chance to be off the wall. It's a diversion...a chance to take my mind off of treatments, off of  throbbing pains in my legs, off of debilitating fatigue and off of endless diagnostic tests.

I invite any of you who are interested to join me in my new conversation. You can find me at @cathystunnel. I'm not ending my blog. Not yet, anyway. Just expanding my horizons. Maybe I'm just moving closer to the day when I finally decide to attempt a book. Don't know. Don't have to know. It's just something I want to do right now.

Friday is Cancer Center day again. One more reason to take my mind off of things for awhile.

Later.