Tomorrow

Chemo tomorrow. Doesn't it seem like a year later you shouldn't still be going through this? Oh, how I long for the day when all of this will be behind me.

Still...in my quiet moments, when I let my thoughts run away with me, I have to admit that I actually fear that day when this is behind me. Why?

For the past year I have seen and been treated by a multitude of doctors. I'm monitored constantly. In looking back at the calendar on which I've recorded all of my appointments, I think there have been more days when I've had medical appointments than days when I haven't. So, I've never really had to think much about whether any cancer still exists or is growing or anything - a little bit when Dr. D. was concerned and ordered all of those tests - but, realistically, I've always felt like that couldn't really happen because they are always poking, sticking, checking, infusing, etc, etc.

However, once that stops, what happens? I read this today...
"Cancer cells are lethal because they proliferate beyond control and refuse to die. This isn't a foreign object in your body; this is YOU, your own biology going so against your nature, it can actually kill you. We all have cancer cells roaming silently through our bodies. They are part of what we are, and they're only dangerous when a genetic mutation allows them to take control."

So, when they're no longer monitoring me constantly, how do I not wake up in the morning wondering if some errant cell decided to mutate overnight, causing the evil cancer to start growing again? It's like walking a tight rope and knowing that someone has removed the safety net.

I physically can't wait to finish treatment, but, mentally, it is beginning to scare me. So, for now, I will go spend yet another day at the Cancer Center tomorrow, and I will do it willingly. Because, for now, as long as I'm doing that, I can rest easy.

Friday is my cancerversary. What can I possibly say about that?

Later.