Life Lessons

I learned an important life lesson today. I learned to fully accept myself and become comfortable in my own skin, even though that "skin" may have completely changed due to circumstances beyond my control.

Cancer changes you. I'm sorry, but you can't understand just how fully it changes you unless you have experienced it or, at least, have been very close to someone who has experienced it.

It's not just a matter of having a terminal disease. That is bad enough in and of itself. But, in the process of experiencing a terminal illness, so many ancillary changes take place as well. Such as?

How you see yourself.
How others see you.
How you feel about life.
How you feel about death.
How you are affected physically by the disease itself.
How you are affected physically by the treatment of the disease.
How your life is changed.
Etc. Etc.

Cancer robs you of so much.

One of the most obvious, in many cases, is your hair. Months ago, I wrote about "A Really Bad Hair Day." There is no way I can fully explain the emotional devastation of losing your hair. It's not just here today and gone tomorrow. It falls out. It comes out in your hands. It comes out in your hair brush. It clogs the drain when you're taking a shower. It sticks to your skin and your clothes and your pillow. The only time I remember crying after I was diagnosed with cancer was when I was standing in the shower and my hair was coming out in globs and sticking to me. For many people, their hair defines them. Right or wrong, our society is obsessed with shiny, silky hair, hair color and hair style. So, when you lose your hair overnight, it is like losing a part of yourself. The first time I went out in public after losing my hair and covering my head with a scarf, it was like being an insecure teenager again. I was sure everyone was looking at me. But, after I did it a time or two, that feeling went away and I became comfortable with the new me. The hat and scarf look began to define me and the fact that I was battling a devastating illness. At that point, I gave no thought to my hair coming back and how that might feel.

Now, however, if you have been following my blog, you know that I have been struggling with that very issue. My hair is growing back and it is growing in gray/white. I have searched that face in the mirror day after day, trying to recognize it. But, it is not the same face. Because I am not the same person I was before. And, as time has gone on, I have begun to get comfortable with the new face. I have come to accept the new me. Best of all, I am beginning to like the new me. I am stronger. I am more secure.

My biggest hangup has been in believing that others would be able to accept the new me. My family has...totally. That has never been an issue. But every day the desire has become stronger to allow the others in my world the opportunity to accept me as well. Today, I finally talked myself into it. I shed the hat. I went out into the world in the "new skin" that God has given me. I am comfortable with that and was so pleased to discover that, for the most part, others are too. If some aren't, I can understand where they are coming from, and I don't have an issue with it. But, this is me now. And, no matter how anyone else feels, I am OK with that. Will I someday change my hair color? Maybe. Maybe not. I just may decide that wearing my hair very short and very gray works. But I'm not worrying about my hair of the future. I am feeling good about my hair of today. It's back! I have been bald for 8 months and now I'm not. I accepted that I was bald and now I accept that I have very short hair, but hair, nonetheless, and it's gray. Cool!

Later.