The Day Before The Day Of

Here we go again...
The day before chemo.

I'm working from home today and trying to rest up for the long day tomorrow. Mentally, this is probably the hardest day of every chemo cycle for me. I wish I could explain how difficult it is to count down the hours until you know they are going to hook you up to that infusion machine.

It's almost like preparing for battle. It is just not human nature to knowingly and willingly walk in and let them pop the plastic cap with the needle into the port buried under your skin and turn on the "spigot" that begins a slow drip of foreign substances into your system without this creating an amazing amount of apprehension. Anyway, it is certainly not a part of my human nature to do this.

I have stopped Googling possible side effects and reactions because most of what I find increases the negativity of the process and I don't need that. There are any number of possible side effects and these can vary from treatment to treatment You just never know for sure how you are going to react.

One of the biggest things for me right now is the fatigue. It is so hard to explain in a way that someone can comprehend, the fatigue that goes with cancer treatments. It's nothing like waking up in the morning and saying I'm really tired today because I didn't sleep well last night. It is an overwhelming feeling that entirely consumes your body. It forces you to mentally gear up just to get out of bed or walk up a flight of stairs. And, since the effect is cumulative, each treatment makes it just a little worse.

Last week, my worst day was Sunday, followed closely by Monday. After that, I started feeling a little better. My apprehension was actually considerably worse than the treatment itself. I am hoping things go as well this week as last.

One of my biggest fears right now is that they will have to cancel the treatment due to a low white count or something. I've seen that happen to many people as I've sat there. Won't know that until they run the labs. Sounds crazy since I have just gone through a long dissertation on how much I am dreading the treatment. But, bottom line is, I have twelve of these to get through one way or another and if they postpone even one it just stretches out the timeframe that much longer. I want NO delays. I want to get through this and get my life back as quickly as possible. I have places to go, people to see and things to do. :)

The other bottom line...I have absolutely no control over any of this. It is bigger than life. It IS my life right now. And that is why my solution to getting through each treatment is to turn it over to God. It just takes me awhile to get around to doing that sometimes. Repeating again the assurance from Pastor John..." God doesn't give us what we can handle. He helps us to handle what we are given."

Once again tomorrow, I will be holding on to that.

Later.