It is getting so difficult to write. I feel that people have to be getting bored with the story. I am getting bored with the story, so why wouldn't they. I look out the window at the incredible mountains of snow and I realize that the snow started at almost the same time as my chemo treatments and it is hanging on just as oppressively as the never-ending side effects.
This is not my day to whine. It is simply my day to be honest.
How can you explain in any upbeat kind of way how difficult it is to feel hungry and want to eat yet feel nauseous and not want to eat at the same time? How can I possibly go to bed early, sleep all night and then wake up feeling like I just went to bed?
I am really thirsty but nothing tastes good or will quench my thirst.
My fingernails are like a dry creek bed.
I am beginning to feel like a burden to those around me.
The hardest part, I think, is realizing how far I still have to go. I might be able to deal with it better if I were on week three of an eight week program but it's not. All I can hope is that the later phases of this get easier. That soon, I will be able to feel like I am at least semi-functioning in a normal life.
I watch the Olympics and am uplifted by the many stories of challenge and courage. I admire the way those people push through their pain and adversity. I feel like I am strong but I need to be stronger. People do this all the time. I need to be able to do it too. But, right now, what I'm feeling is that I wish I hadn't eaten that banana. I thought it would taste good but it didn't and now that is all I can taste. I would make some coffee (I LOVE a good cup of coffee) but I know that it wouldn't taste good either. A few days from now maybe, but not today.
Last night Ken looked outside and said "There is a good 3 feet of snow out there. It is hard to even imagine that there is a lawn under it." That is kind of how I feel with all of this. On Thursday I will go to the Cancer Center for labs and I would imagine I will find that I have no white cells at that point. The good news is, the nausea should be dissipating by then and I will feel more like eating.
Hang in there with me. I know I sound like I'm whining but I'm really not. I am just missing the person that you and I remember. She will be back, but right now, it's still looking like a really long winter.
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Please don’t think that anyone is getting bored with your story. The first thing I do each morning when I sign on at work is to check your blog. I’m not very good at putting my thoughts in writing (not anywhere close to the way you can) so I don’t always make a comment. Just know that I’m always thinking you. PS: You are entitled to whine a little, a lot or how every much you want.
ReplyDeleteSandy
Keep writng and keep whining if you like too. You are most definitely entitled. And don't for one minute think you are a burden on those around you. I am sure you have showered more love and helpfulness through sicknesses in your family,that's what we Mothers do. Now it's your turn.
ReplyDeleteMay the sun keep shining. Hope tomorrow is a better day.
Cindy B. :-)
Hi Good morning. Just think one more week and then things will be better. Keep a stiff upper lip and just put one foot in front of the other and get through next week. It is cold out so get it over with before the nice weather comes. I will be leaving for Mexico on 2-25-09. Will be thinking of you and want a good report when I get back.Keep up the good work and get better. Barb
ReplyDeleteHang in there, Cathy. I am sure it is rough, and it seems as enless as the snow, but it will come to an end and life will go on. We keep you in our prayers.
ReplyDeletePastor John
Cathy -
ReplyDeleteIt is always good to have you make any comments. please keep making them. There must be something good that will come of this, besides I love the way you write.
Bill
Here's hoping that all these comments and the fact that so many people are behind you have brought you some sense of calm over the last couple days. I hope you know we're all behind you. First off - you're not whining. You're being human - just the way God made you. With all your strenghths, weaknesses, joys and sorrows - He did it all - and He did it all perfectly and beautifully.
ReplyDeleteYou are an inspiration to so many of us so hang on - but - whatever you do, don't stop writing. It's a great outlet and you've got a real knack for it.
Now's your time to lean on Ken - he's got broad shoulders. Or call the kids. You helped your folks when they needed you ... because you wanted to ... and you've got great kids who want to be a help to you too.
Let me know if there's something you need - even a phone call so you can vent verbally. You've earned it and who knows - it might help - Jean
We can wait until the person you were is back.
ReplyDeleteActually, we look forward to that, and hope it comes as soon as possible. In the meantime,
whine all you want - we'll gobble it up.