This Whole Gray Hair Thing

There are so many things to deal with when undergoing cancer treatment. Some of them big. Some not so big. Months ago, I had to deal with losing my hair. Talk about a big deal. Now it is just beginning to grow back. Problem? It's growing in gray/white. That is not the "me" I'm used to. Should that be a big deal? Probably not, in the overall scheme of things, but, you know, it kind of is. I have no problem with gray hair on other people. But for whatever reason, I seem to have a major problem with gray hair on me. I see this person in the mirror looking back at me and don't feel comfortable. Now, that said, this seems like a perfect time to give it a try. I can always color it. Right? But once I color it, it is much harder to go back. So, I am in the midst of this mental battle. I KNOW...hair color is not a big deal. I'm alive! But, you know what...when you have gone eight months completely bald...don't you have a right to have your hair look the way you want it? Shouldn't you be able to be comfortable in your own skin?

I had to laugh. I came across this blog the other day and, I swear, much of it could have been written by me.

(excerpt from the blog

Breast Cancer? But Doctor....I hate pink! )

This whole Gray Hair thing ...

Like you all do, I look online for validation of my personal choices. So, after my hair grew in gray, and when I decided not to dye it back immediately, I turned to the web to be sure that I'm still stylish and the fashionista I always used to be.
I found lots of approval. Apparently, gray hair is totally in and the new trend among the hipster set. (And, by hipster, I don't mean anybody who has broken theirs.) Gray is walking the runways and socialites such as Pixie Geldof are embracing the color. Why, even Kelly Osbourne has gray hair now!

And they have to pay! I get mine for free!

There is quite the gray movement going on, including on a fantastic website called Going Gray, Looking Great, with stories of women who have actually chosen to let their natural hair color grow out, which they call transitioning.

They didn't do it the easy way, like I did.

Looking at pictures like these, I am assured that I am right in trend:

There are beautiful names for our hair. We are silver, or icicle gray, or snowey-tipped, or sparkling pewter. Lovely sounds, all. And yet, each time I am walking down the street or in a mall and catch a glimpse of myself in a reflection, I don't recognize myself. "Who is that old lady?" And when I look around the streets to see other women with my hair color, I am not seeing the Kelly Osbournes out there. I mostly see this:

Cancer has taken a breast, eighteen months of my time, my energy and strength. And, the other day, it took my confidence and thus, a job I really wanted.

I actually like my icicle/snow/pewter hair. But, if it is going to become emblematic of my cancer experience and shake my confidence when people notice it - and it's only natural that they will - then it's going to have to go.

I'm still not "cancer girl" and never hope to be. But, I'm not the old me either, and now I know I never will be again. For now, acceptance of the changes cancer brought is something I realize I'm going to have to work on. Needless to say, I am conflicted.

(end of excerpt)

Me too. In the meantime, chemo tomorrow. Then Colorado.
Later.