I have been counting down the treatments in this second round of chemo since the day I started. I am ecstatic that I only have a few left. Still...last week-end, at the Susan Komen Race for the Cure, there was a lot of talk about "next year" and it suddenly occurred to me that "next year" I would just be finishing my treatment schedule. Now, many of us are all too familiar with the fact that the older you get the faster time seems to fly by. Still...a year is a long time no matter how you look at it. And, right now, it seems almost insurmountable. Thinking about it can easily send you to a dark place. The key will be what the last round of treatments is like. Will there be all of these side effects? I don't know. I just know that, like Michael, the picture of how far I have come is starting to pale in comparison to how far I can see that I still have to go.
I am ready to stop spending the bulk of my life at the Cancer Center. I am ready for my bones to stop hurting. I am ready for my mouth to not be stuck shut when I wake up in the morning because the chemo is so drying. Same for my eyes...I am ready to not have to pry them open in the morning because they are so dry they feel like sandpaper. And the fact that I have no eyelashes only makes it feel worse. I am ready to not have cramps that turn my stomach and abdomen to hard rocks. I am ready for my hands and feet to no longer be numb. I am ready to call Candace and schedule an appointment to get my hair fixed. I could scream for just one bite of something that actually tastes good. I am ready to relax on the patio and actually enjoy sipping a glass of wine. I am ready to be done with getting shots two days a week because my white counts are low. I am ready to have a meltdown too...but I won't. And, I won't because of things like this that keep me going...
Last Sunday my grandaughter made me a card. I am SOOO glad that she doesn't yet consider herself too old to do things like this. She made me a Mother's Day card with pink ribbons all over it and a little poem that she wrote.
Life is good. I will go to the Cancer Center on Friday and I will be infused with drugs which will put me one treatment closer to being finished with Round Two. Hopefully it will go well, and hopefully Round Three will be easier and at least some of the side effects will disappear at some point. And, eventually, I will be finished. No meltdown necessary. I may have cancer but, on so many levels, I am truly blessed.
Later.
Don't think of how long you have to go. Only that you have one more week to go. You have got to be glad that you do have one more week to go. The sun is shining today and it is a beautiful day. Think only of the great things in your life. Think how great you look and you are getting better each day you can take the treatments. I know there is light at the end of the tunnel but you must stay strong and keep going. Only the strong survive. Do not let your guard down for a minute. All the things you are missing with be back in time. For today enjoy the sun keep eating and walking for your health. I am pulling for you and i know how strong and determined you can be. You have done great so far so keep going. You made the walk you will make it through the treatments. Only the strong survive do not let your self down as you have a lot of talent and a lot to offer. Our company needs you so get well soon. Barb
ReplyDeleteI think you're getting tired ... tired of the way things are and anxious to get back to the business of "living" rather than the work of "healing". You're entitled. It's tough, don't sell yourself short. You're doing a great job ... and encouraging so many people along the way. And, not that you didn't know it, but you've got some special kids and grandkids. ( Keisha - keep up the good work and keep Grandma encouraged. She needs you.)
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately God doesn't promise an easy passage - but He does promise to walk with you each and every day, giving you that arm to lean on and shoulder to cry on when you need them. Rest in that knowledge when you can ... and vent when you need to! We're all here to support you in any way we can.
One of my favorite hymns Mom used to sing all the time is "In His Time". It's hard to remember when you want things in your time, but He does make all things beautiful in His time. He holds the clock, which ticks oh so slowly sometimes but remember ... He also holds that great big flashlight that provides the Light at the End of the Tunnel.
Take care and have a good week. Sounds like the sun will be shining. - Jean
You'll me our thoughts and prayers tomorrow. Hope all goes well. - Jean
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